a daylight dream

I am tearing up, recalling the simple magnificence that February has bestowed upon my humble life. As I gaze up to the kind morning skies, I feel my heart stretching wide, receiving the reinvention of my soul that has taken place throughout those days I’ve been gifted. What can I say but that February was an act of receivership, in terms of accepting and welcoming all that there is; the subtle pains of uncertainty, the fears of not being capable enough, the humility that comes with being wrong. When those waves came crashing to the shore of my mind, I welcomed them. I stretched my heart enough to accept the paradox of being human; being both the shadow and light simultaneously, and to let it flow to the shores of epiphanies and realisations. Most of all, I accepted being loved. Being in a place where I accept and welcome being loved for who I am and whatever it is that I do, was quite foreign until recently. In the arms of blessings and miracles, I welcomed them all into my heart so th

I've always wanted to write something about womanhood, but I was always daunted by the shame of the imperfections of the process of leaving girlhood behind and becoming a woman. Now that I'm almost halfway through my twenty-second year, everything feels different, though quite the same simultaneously. At times, it feels as if I did not grow up and have remained the girl I've always been, but in other times, I do feel like I truly have turned into a woman all of a sudden. I must start off by saying that since I have lived most of my life with my father, the idea of being a woman was rather distant to me. I was raised with a lot of masculine energy, but was still given the feminine roles in the outer world. At home, I was expected to be tough, extremely hard-working, goal-oriented and strong yet, I was still told I was weak being a girl. I was told that I should be protected from the outside world, that I was fragile and soft, in respect to the nature of things. It was really

Stumbling over the history of this blog, I was stupefied by how this blog turned from an excessively introspective diary towards a vessel mostly focused on 'how-to' posts. To be honest, I felt so much shame in sharing here what I had been going through, I didn't want to show the ups and downs that my life constituted. I felt as if sharing my downs so openly would really harm the perspective of growth, which I know now that isn't a linear process at all.   I'm here to reflect upon recent happenings, the most treasured ones, that keep me grounded, uplifted, like a spring calyx pointed towards the blue, the kind of existence I always wish to maintain. It brings me so much sorrow to recollect that in order to be enchanted by it all, in order for this budding to process itself, winters had to be recreated from scratch, in ways that often take us all by surprise. I have one week off work, since it's the midterm break, and again I am oblivious to how swiftly time has p

Struck by the condition of those recent days, a tendency to reminisce and recollect everything that led me to where I am nagged me to run through my older blog posts, ones in 2016 and early 2017. I teared up reading to those honest posts which I had called ramblings, since those were earnest thoughts written in loneliness, introspecting, trying to find my place in the world. What struck me the most was the notion that everything I used to talk about somehow came to life, especially the positive dreams and make-beliefs; ones encompassing my vision for the work that I wanted to do, even though I was quite deranged, I knew I wanted to do something in education. Some of my ramblings, just fleetingly analysing what I prospected for my future, literally came true, and I had even forgotten that I used to think that way. Dreams of a companionship so beautiful, dreams of regaining my health, healing my anxiety and leading a fairly environmentally-friendly life (still a long way to go)- they all

There is an unquenchable thirst for the undoing of all the knots that have been tied long ago; knots of limitations and maddening, low ceilings that call for being broken, for there is an ever-expanding world of mysteries out there, and I want to explore it all, if not through my feet, then with my bare, open heart. It's spring after all, since February is here. I have been secretly leaving the house for morning walks, sneaking into the garden and making sure no one can see me as I smile ridiculously with my chin up to the sky, resisting the temptation to twirl around and dance. I crouch down in the strangest positions to greet the young patches of grass that I hadn't seen before and walk towards the mulberry trees for a warm hug. Spring is music to my ears, a well-orchestrated dance of life, giving and receiving love in a distinct language only souls can comprehend. Spring crawls to my very bones. It bewitches me in every way. I believe the splendour is in watching every day b

I wrote a poem the other day, about being nobody. As much as it was short and descriptive, an underlying concept resonated with me immensely. It's something that has to do with my archetype, I guess, which tempts to overly strive to stand out. I secretly enjoy being different, being somebody uncommon, taking people by surprise. I do cringe when I admit so, as it's not something I'm proud of. Such a disposition intensifies my ego's presence and does not work well in times of failure. Yet, through the happenings of this year and a couple of months before, I was least concerned with trying to leave an impression. Most of my focus was directed towards being and taking multiple leaps of faith in my own journey. It wasn't really about proving anything to anyone or trying to stand out amid the crowd, but it wasn't until that day I wrote the poem that I felt the grandness of being  nobody  at all. When I'm a nobody, I seem to forget the material world and immerse my

I'm here to reflect on a part of my healing journey which has created so much abundance and bliss in my life, now that I'm on the other side. Moments like those make you realise how wonderful this life is when you hold on to healing yourself from limiting and unhealthy habits that eat you up on the inside. I want to say that I think I have left my restlessness behind me. What is restlessness? Well, life these days pushes us to extremes. Ambition is contagious, and we were programmed to believe that in order to reach our dreams and goals, we need to always be chasing something. In order to be successful, we need to say "yes" to every single opportunity out there, doing multiple things at the same time, always thinking of what's coming next, never stopping from a moment to reflect and rest from the climb up, to map out the right choices to make.   Honestly, I've fallen into that. I thought it was the right thing to do. I was not always a restless person, but in

This January came by with the intention to leave a creative legacy behind. It came with a small dream of thinking beyond the borders of my mind and overused thoughts. Little did I know that the whole of creation would be stretched before me to indefinitely explore in such a seamless, indescribable way. Oh, how could I even find the words to describe this January. It was non-judgementally self-organising, compassionate, acceptant and loving. There was little room for anguish and suffering, for there an abundant supply of awareness, open doors that welcome all there is and very little to resist. Every bubble of difficulty flowed gracefully to the surface and soared to the air, where it belonged. I guess it was a mindshift. I used to see things with a perspective that leaned towards lack, especially one that stemmed from within me. You know how much I fear imperfection and failure, but this was only since I perceived imperfection as unwholesome. Within a couple of days, I realised that im

I expected a different scheme of events, yet still, I believed in miracles. You gave me pain, disappointments, loneliness and shame but the other side was vulnerability, love and wholeness. You made me graduate and celebrate the stepping stones in my life. You made me open my heart to people who mean the most to me. You made me confront my inner critic and fight anyone who invalidates my worth. You made me hold on to love. Thank you, 2020. January Applying to Intelligent Change in London and showing up for my heart's desires. Watching Frozen II and understanding more about the nature of who I am through the movie. Meeting my wonderful friend, Mariam, and having conversations about dreams and the trajectory of transformation. Receiving an email from Mimi Ikonn herself, thanking me for applying to Intelligent Change, which made me realise how close we are to achieving whatever we wish for. Witnessing my grandmother's death; watching her ego resist the soul's tendency to shift