Tuning In To Letting Go.

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Struck by the condition of those recent days, a tendency to reminisce and recollect everything that led me to where I am nagged me to run through my older blog posts, ones in 2016 and early 2017. I teared up reading to those honest posts which I had called ramblings, since those were earnest thoughts written in loneliness, introspecting, trying to find my place in the world.




What struck me the most was the notion that everything I used to talk about somehow came to life, especially the positive dreams and make-beliefs; ones encompassing my vision for the work that I wanted to do, even though I was quite deranged, I knew I wanted to do something in education. Some of my ramblings, just fleetingly analysing what I prospected for my future, literally came true, and I had even forgotten that I used to think that way. Dreams of a companionship so beautiful, dreams of regaining my health, healing my anxiety and leading a fairly environmentally-friendly life (still a long way to go)- they all have transmuted to a presence so real and tangible and I wince in pain, stretching my heart to receive those blessings. 



I'm here to talk about letting go. I know that life is full of strife, yet, reflecting upon the simple happenings of everything I've been through, the most magnificent miracles have blossomed from a fervent investment in letting go and surrendering to the greater scheme of things. Days filled with the narrow chase of control and achievement blindly led me to crash and burn while ones where the heart reigned the path with passion and grace, humility and love allowed me to receive blissful outcomes that not only helped me grow, but others around me, too.



Oh dearest God, I feel helpless at times, marveling at how Your fate teaches me to go against my grain and unmoor my restless drive to persist to things which don't help me grow. I sigh every time I try to work so hard for something without the grace of surrendering and receive difficulties and obstacles in my way, knowing that it's just an omen to not try too hard, and let my humanness show. Your fate teaches me, despite everything else out there that is teaching me, to go slower, invest in my passion and listen intently to the rich language of life, expressing feedback in the subtlest ways, and I'm in such awe and even shock, unlearning my old ways and enter a realm that is more effortless, fearless and ever so loving.


It doesn't mean that some days are not hard, but the hard days are ones that could have been filled with a little bit more of loving surrender, trust in being conscious of what seems to be right in a more holistic fashion. I keep dancing with everything that life has to offer, and at times I'm wrapped around my own fears of false assumptions, which is okay. Seldom do I truly wholly present myself to love, for there are so many habits and thought patterns to unlearn. 



I just can't believe how much I've grown, you know? And this growth comes with the capacity to receive more in my life and welcome all that comes without resistance. I used to have a shriveled soul, that would collapse as soon bad news would struck, or whither and die whenever dreams turned to be out of reach. But with growth, every single happening seems to be a gift, no matter how long it takes to truly realise it.


And now I come to think that I may in life lose so much, lose ones I love, lose opportunities, money, dignity and respect in so many ways and I falter thinking of how much my soul will have to grow to embrace it all in my human life. It pushes me to love everything more, so that when its time to let go, I could do it with a richer, bigger heart that would be able to transcend the grief. Today, I just feel like I cannot let one day pass by without practising gratitude and love, for everything is so temporary, so fleeting and ephemeral, and I don't want it to pass by without embracing its gift. I do not want it to go by unnoticed, although it was placed on the palms of my hands.



captured in 2017, and my smile hasn't changed.

I try to strip myself out of everything each evening before I sleep, just to see what's left. It's not much, but it's growing. It's the residue of everything I've left go, its impact deeply resonating within my soul.


The more I let go, the more essential riches I receive, infinite blessings that live for not just this lifetime, but reverberate and last just like the most honest truths that govern our universe.


It feels beautiful to have found my innermost self.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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