a daylight dream

I learned to let go expectations of what is to come. And by letting go, I mean truly living in the present moment and allowing my true identity to prosper and flourish as it extends to the dreams of the future, which are usually positively entwined with challenges and new beginnings. It is letting it go completely, that there is no room for a worrying notion; no space for it to weave in a new detail in the complexity of thoughts and plans. Not giving it a chance to grow and precipitate with time. It is letting go of this urge to want what is not yet granted. It is making peace with the fact that loss is a token of strength to cope, adjust and see beyond the boundaries of the blessings still not bestowed upon me. It is replacing this enfeebling desire with wonder and calmness to accept the bundle of what future holds with steady hands and jaunty eyes. Before I let go, I must understand what I am leaving behind. I need to listen to it wholly; to graciously know my reasons, to pe...

Perhaps the most perplexing emotion I experience is a fear of fear itself. A fear of unsafety. A fear of being lost and alone and drenched in confusion. It didn't bombard me in quite a long time which made me think it will be gone forever, but here it is, creeping up to me slowly, allowing me to tumble and whither like autumn leaves rustling gently with joy, then thrown away by a hostile wind, to be left on the yellow dying grass, abandoned. Yesterday, I started packing my things to head back to Egypt. To see all those bags on the floor attracts a picture of me in the airport, already saying goodbye by the conveyor belt, my eyes clouded with tears and a mind completely blocked and unable to function. Because at this moment, I don't want to leave, and I am afraid. I am afraid of going back to Egypt, not feeling purposeful, of being alone in my room hearing the ticks of the clock midst the silence in the room. I am afraid of not feeling like I belong, not being encompassed b...

Perhaps a year, or even a couple of months ago, a doubt would always visit me. It would whisper to me that my ideals and dreams are only an illusion. This doubt would embody itself in the tribulations that fear cause, telling me that my overwhelming motivation is only an elapsing fervent period of time that shall soon fade. The ideals of love, friendship, hard work, faith, leadership and all of the other unearthly values are truly awakening. I hold them close to my heart and they lead me wherever I go, accompanying my soul, to be the best person I could be each day. However, when interacting with the outside world and dealing with the negativity obscuring the pathways, I tend to feel that this is all a hoax. Despite all this, my intuition is fiery and keeps me afloat, helps me defy the ordinary and seek only what is meaningfully mysterious. Suddenly, some time this summer, after so many months of practice, I finally believe in those ideals. I believe in them so dearly, tha...