a daylight dream

  if there was one thing I could subtract in my life, it would be  goodbye . I’m still not sure if it’s only wishful thinking, but it seems my heart could bear all the pain in the world, but not the goodbye. sometimes I feel I could break from the number of times I’d imagined saying goodbye and not seeing the people I love again. it’s a practice I’ve memorised like the back of my hand. the innumerable airport waves that never amount to anything, held back tears, children leaving their classroom doors every year. having this one last time kills everything. the nights leading up to this goodbye are painful. just as long as this one is. I’m trying to rehearse the easiest way to pass through the airport gates without flooding. I’m trying to picture what would make life easier once I’m back, not having to think about the emptiness that follows. the days I don’t hear my sister’s laughter, or my mother’s face glowing when she comes home. these are moments my heart is twisting for. I’...

  it’s this bottleneck situation that wakes me up at night so early, a pattern so exhaustingly tiresome that a calming pill is my only way to see this through in ease. this airplane ride back home is so different this time around. so many unknowns, so many  who knows ? something in my heart tells me I won’t be here again, at least not this way. something tells me it’s time for everything to change. a mountain climber knows his world is never the same after the most majestic ascent— every step forward after it holds less meaning to the entire world, but it means something entirely different for the heart. I don’t know if I’ll be here again. I’m not sure if I’ll be here again this way. walking down the streets packed with friendly maples, I sink in reverence for all the years I had spent witnessing their worship. I tear up remembering the laughter that echoed down these meadows, the poetry and lyrics that never made it to anyone’s ears. thing no one knows except for me. it might...

  I pray that the only secret I keep in the world is this pounding love within the crevices of remembrance, in the darkness of being alone, waiting for the right moment to fall asleep.   a snowflake following the other, every beat of this heart. a body that comes back home each night and remembers something sacred about being here. the variables and reasons grow in perplexity and enormity each day, which makes me want to let go and swim even more. I pray that these eyes hold something that no one could ever reveal. a sad sweetness of losing something that felt infinite just so that your life doesn’t scar its sacredness. letting it go and buying a happiness that lasts well for this lifetime, does its part and does it so well. every ounce of passion oozing into all of it till there’s not enough to drift away into what resides somewhere uncharted. these airplane rides back home remind of a bittersweet story. what would someone in my place do? would they come back or would a lasti...

golden blues tint the inside of my heart as August rolls by: the trees are painted with a faded kind of green and auburn shades, the winds are cooler in the dark mornings, when the sunlight, in peace, emerges slowly, giving us time to finally realise all this colour and all this summery life is little by little passing by. I always feel a little melancholic at that time of the year, saying goodbye to many memories and embroidering my soul with new, fresh intentions. it's okay to feel both a little longing and holding on. I am grateful to say that my longing for the newness to come is energising and fulfilling.  august was all about accepting the ordinariness of life, or at least that was my intention. it was beyond beautiful to hold on to that, since the little moments shined with so much essence. mornings were filled with tears of thankfulness and daily routines were honoured with a delightful presence. I am quite proud of myself for creating more and more habits that light up my ...