a daylight dream

  It was 2017. it was the late summer of 2017 that I heaved in this airplane, dreading my return. my whole body ached in desperation, every atom pleading me to stay right in that airport and never turn back. it was 2017 when I prayed for a miracle so vehemently that time stood still for a while, and it was nothing but God’s mercy that pushed me to where I am right now. it was God’s mercy that made me endure six years of fighting so hard to protect my heart.  it was only Him.. and now I’m here again, doing what I should have done so long ago. every breath out in this airplane is countered by a rainfall. I can’t stop myself from crying, from feeling this heart beat a little bit differently. it’s racing. pumping with something more than just blood.  freedom . alas, my freedom. it feels like an inevitable leap into the unknown. I’ve been having those incessant, wicked dreams of free falling into an abyss, a labyrinth of all my monstrous fears awaiting me. everyone has  ...

there are only hours left, and the only thing I want to keep doing is stay invisible. stay in the gloaming silence of being out of reach. slipping away smoothly, making no sound, till one day I’m just not here. I keep telling my learners “ you won’t feel it when I leave ”. one day, they’ll be here again, and I’ll be gone.  my name will be a distant echo in the daylight sunshine. something to remember slightly. a remembrance that never lingers, I hope. I just wonder what could have happened if I had been more prominently alive in this world. just imagine how it would be if I could hear and feel every single heart tear apart at the thought of me leaving. how grateful I am that my presence had always been fleeting, almost incomprehensibly inexistent. with this subtle existence, it still hurts, tremendously so.  I’ve always dreaded goodbyes. it’s never been that difficult as it is now.  I’ve said goodbye to every single tree I love. every single cloud. why am I tearing is wha...