Enchanting Ramblings.

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Stumbling over the history of this blog, I was stupefied by how this blog turned from an excessively introspective diary towards a vessel mostly focused on 'how-to' posts. To be honest, I felt so much shame in sharing here what I had been going through, I didn't want to show the ups and downs that my life constituted. I felt as if sharing my downs so openly would really harm the perspective of growth, which I know now that isn't a linear process at all. 


I'm here to reflect upon recent happenings, the most treasured ones, that keep me grounded, uplifted, like a spring calyx pointed towards the blue, the kind of existence I always wish to maintain. It brings me so much sorrow to recollect that in order to be enchanted by it all, in order for this budding to process itself, winters had to be recreated from scratch, in ways that often take us all by surprise.



I have one week off work, since it's the midterm break, and again I am oblivious to how swiftly time has passed since the beginning of term. It's only yesterday that I have started the online sessions, working solely from home, setting up my workspace and figuring out a comforting routine. Online learning was a wondrous experience, which I found even more fulfilling than the normal classroom setting, despite some of the drawbacks, especially for students with some learning difficulties. The online learning experience made our lessons much more lax, communicative and our interaction was much more organised. You know, at school, it's more about sticking to classroom rules, raising up hands and asking for permission which literally exhausts me to keep reminding my students to adhere to those seemingly facilitative rituals to make our learning environment civilised. Learning online is much more smooth, and I can check for understanding in numerous ways, and it gives me much more opportunities to keep reinforcing concepts till mastery is reached, at least as much as possible. Of course, I cannot neglect the devastating impacts of the lagging Internet connection, but it pushes me to keep reinforcing what we learn in different ways, to make sure no one is left behind. Needless to say, my learners enjoy the Zoom backgrounds and nicknames, and so the environment is extremely inviting for learning. I even find that my learners are much more focused as there are little distractions, most of them are doing even greater progress. I'm profoundly grateful that such setbacks are being overcome gracefully, and I'm seeking God's guidance through and through. 



Some days, I'd be planning my lessons and would feel lost over what to do with my learners, but then an idea would fall incredulously to my mind, while I keenly observe the surroundings for inspiration. Usually, I find inspiration in a passing cloud or a story told by the grand schemes of nature. I've learned in those uncertain times to be gracefully attentive to the feedback life seems to present ever so presently to answer our questions. I've become more trustful, leaning more to becoming interdependent, relying on my learners just the same for feedback, for we are all in centre of learning about those "great things".


Other than that, working from home has allowed me to have more time for other endeavors. The commute to and from school was overly pleasing for sure, as I would use this time to listen to podcasts and engage in childish conversations from six-year-olds who would sit near me, casually asking for my phone to draw or play rock-paper-scissors. However, the commute saved around 2 hours and a half of my day, plus the time it takes to come back from work and rewind form the endless chatter experienced during the day. I use this time to read more, for sure, as now my evenings are spent with my eyes poured over educational books and theories. Also, I have more time to privately tutor learners, which I'm finding so appealing. Oh, things I used to be so terrified of have turned out to be blessings, and as I have aforementioned, the more I let go and effortlessly flow into the present moment, the more things unravel in time.



To be honest, so much gratitude is stemming from the depths of my heart regarding the work that I am doing lately.  I still cannot believe that it's only my first year and so much has been happening. I just... that's why I'm investing so much time trying to learn the art of this craft. I've gained so much confidence, and now I think it's time for me to actually get out to the world and interact with a community of like-minded educators. The only community I have now is intangible, through the books I read thereof, but maybe it's possible to actually get to learn more from others and grow through my humility. I want to be honest and say that peer visits get me so uncomfortable, for teaching is this kind of work that has little to offer in terms of comparison, but I do tend to compare myself with other teachers and it alienates me. Yet, I think I'm more comfortable with vulnerability now, and I'm ready to take the leap and connect to other educators out there and truly learn this craft through different perspectives. If I do want to make a difference, then I have to see from different vantage points and bridge this empathy gap which keeps us all worlds apart, when we all have valuable things to offer to this masterpiece of a job.



Magically so, nature is unfolding in the most enchanting ways. The sun is ever so congenially providing, and the grass simple rejoices before the extending minutes of daylight. Despite a cold wave coming soon, February's light is of a different kind. It will always be one of my favourite months, always so, for an unearthly intuitional reason my soul has conjured up years ago. My heart it seems has made a decision to make February a month of committing to finding love, and so it was, with every year that passes by, intensifying by greater multitudes of love that I'm not sure I can contain within me.



Lately, I've been feeling more and more at home in Egypt. Ever since I started working, I found that I'm grateful to be here. I considered leaving this country for good after graduating, but I'm just so appreciative that fate has decided staying here for me. I don't think I'd ever be able to give if it weren't for Egypt. I want to stay here and create a shift in so many ways. I want to build the life I want despite the challenges, I want to inspire others to create their own lives, too. I have so many desires to lead change in the subtlest of ways, or be the vessel that inspires changes. I don't see how I could possibly do that elsewhere. I see this dream through my learners, the school I'm working in, the vast, unmaintained lands. Oh, when I walk on the litter-covered grass, filled with fragments of plastic and paper, I lean in to capture the beauty. I lean in to see the flowers budding or the greening patches growing here or there, and it empowers me in an inscrutable way. It makes me believe that I have the choice to believe in this goodness, in the potential, in the purity to build upon it. I have no interest in pondering over the negative or pointing out problems for too long, I just think there are many young positive directions worth advocating and supporting. I want to be a part of this.


My heart breaks at times taking it all in, but I just want to say that I'm grateful. I am extremely grateful for everything I've lived through. I'm extremely grateful for time, for my humanness, imperfections and mistakes. I'm grateful that I can fall in love as many times as I need to start again.


going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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