a daylight dream

  i'm thinking about starting a series on this blog to take note of those moments when a few positive highlights stream through my mind, transforming my day. I would call them epiphanies, but they're not exactly that. they're little, simple notions imbued with a hint of gratitude. I would love to look back and go through this blog remembering them, realising how a few of those moments eventually snowball to change one's mindset and allow healing to take place. so, here are little throughts worthy of sharing that bubbled through me today. there's something stunningly beautiful in allowing oneself to rest without guilt. I wonder if being ill so often is teaching me that. miraculous things happen when we don't plan for them. since I'm weak and ill, I didn't plan to go for my daily walk today. however, by the afternoon, I decided to smell some fresh air, especially that the sun came out for a little while. my gift for embracing the unexpected was seeing the ...

  I go on long walks now, trying to ease the pain. however, they mostly always make it worse. the moment I get in touch with myself, I find myself crying in the streets, hoping someone could approach me so that I can feel less alone. the pain is unbearably isolating, unfortunately. despite wanting to write about my struggles more often, I find myself ashamed. I am overwhelmed by how I cannot find my strength in spite of surviving even tougher times. I struggle with finding my sense of identity most of all nowadays. I look everywhere, into all of my visions and goals, and I don’t find myself. I don’t know who I am supposed to be. being ‘needed’ in the household and the addiction of always being the provider of emotional supply was a hallmark of my identity back then. I   was always needed. but now, I am needed as a whole person, not a source of fuel for never-ending abuse. it’s really hard navigating the turbulence in this journey: the compromised immune system, existential cri...