a daylight dream

How much I hold inside of me. How much I carry on my back. How many burdens I let dwell on my shoulders. How many lifetimes of guilt and shame I have allowed to have a life of themselves deep in my heart. Upon reflection, I realised that my body has manifested certain conditions to embody certain patterns in my consciousness, in order to activate the need for healing. I’ve witnessed the ovarian dysfunctions, gut problems and thyroid under-activity, and they were all compassionate messages from my body that whatever I was doing wasn’t working to heal my scars. My heart beats ecstatically when I envision a life away from the regulations of modernity, every day a creative endeavour and a flowing current in the direction of life’s cycles. A day that is harmonious, a little cut out from ‘to-do’s and near to instructions derived from open loops of feedback, present in the here and now. Something in me shifts when I consider the possibility of creating something every day— an experience, a ne...

I look back and see that my most fulfilled times of magic, selflessness and love were when self-love permeated everything. It was when there was no doubt that I was good enough, not a single trace of dubiousness in regards to the beauty God has ingrained within my soul. Yet, it is quite easy to slither back to feelings of disbelief that such magic is possible and permanent. Seldom does this state of heart linger deep enough to remain infinite, it slides back to my normative state of judgement and self-criticism. Then, illness comes— weakness, distress, unease and uninspired motives despite my fullest efforts to do as much as I could. This very morning, it is a little hard to love myself though I am unsure why. It’s a settled motif that I’ve acquired over the years— to resist love within me. This kind of lacking abundance has dried me up on the inside for many years and I was but a wilted calyx that never got the chance to live. I remember how my life transforms each time self-love just...