a daylight dream

  I now know what love feels like. It’s a reducing force, and paradoxically expansive. I’ve been touched by a glimpse of it, and it has rekindled a golden flame that is ever-present and ever-glowing. I now see that all is a gift. It is not I who does now. What is before me is quite nameless and unidentified in the light of God’s doing. Gifts come in pilgrimage to God’s light that scintillates for brief moments of my day. This is how it feels like, now, for there is no other explanation. It’s God’s goodness that attracts and repels, just so that all annihilates in his presence. I’ve been touched by love, and every moment feels like a prayer. My heart aches and pains, and I’ve been spending most of my nights now in tears for my helplessness. I wake up each dawn remembering, and find ease paving the way over again. There is longing, but there isn’t, too. The self dies while it longs, and it is captivated by the serene equanimity of a soul that has been touched by love. It is held and ...

This week was just filled with many blessings. Everyday I come home and feel a sense of lost wonder, in awe at how I’ve lost the words to truly describe all the beauty that has been captured. My eyes have grown to become so accustomed to see God’s love, and it’s rippling all throughout the realms of existence. It gets too hard on me sometimes to begin to explain how grateful I am. My trials get mistaken for enthusiasm, passion and energy— but it’s simply that I’m just trying to explain how beautiful God’s love is. This light is impersonal, and it has nothing to do with me and my efforts. That is what keeps hurting me incessantly, forking a deep wound of just wondering why all these gifts are so unreasonably abundant.   I can’t help but go back to my fears of not feeling like I deserve this. I go back to judging myself so that I am worthy enough to receive this light, and the trail of imperfections is ever-infinite. My companion told me, just this morning, that we never deserved it....

Last night, I was triggered by how my energy just seemed to touch everything I came across. There have been wildly beautiful occurrences: gifts, people asking for help in healing and witnessing the light of love transform everything it lands upon. Upon sleeping, I felt afraid of this light that seems to be out of control. One cannot really predict the way God’s light ripples across unexplored terrains. This is how it has been lately, echoes of lands and hearts touched by this light have been reverberating back to me, and helplessly, I’m not sure what to do to contain it all. I told myself that perhaps it would be time to be invisible and cast away this light for a while. It has happened to me before, perhaps when I was younger, I’d decide not to speak and not show my truest nature in fear of the love in my heart and it’s uncontrollable power. But this when I had the most heartbreaking dream that woke me up with insides shaking in fear. Until now, my hands are shaky and I can’t seem to ...