a daylight dream

  Dearest, I would love to apologise, unconditionally, for the little ripples that have found themselves on my shore. It’s been quite intense lately, beyond description, beyond anything I can relate to. But it keeps me away from you, adhering to a silence so loud, so animate and so real. Dearest, lately, the truth has shown itself in oneness. All that is glimmers in His light, its reflection the total antagonist. Oh, to see spring now and the beginning of summer— it is but the mirror image of death and letting go. To see the ripening of a fruit used to bring me joy, now I see it as the end of a journey. A passing away. The annihilation of service. The bow of selflessness. I see poverty as ultimate richness. When a flower wilts after it has given itself away and crumpled in delicate brokenness, I see its richness in all what it had to give. The sky that has been set up so high has to stoop so low in servitude, too. The detail upon detail of all creation annihilated in the One which ...

Yesterday was quite tough on me, but not my soul. Since a very long time, rivers of lightness illuminated my beingness, soaring skyward toward love that is unconditional and unbearable. Oh, I cry every morning now. I lapse into tears remembering my death, my self quite hopeless as it sells all what tied her to her God. It feels quite lonesome giving up her companion, children, work and all possessions. All the worldly talents and gifts— all sold to their true owner and creator. I feel the immense lightness of nothingness and become weakened by grace. Streams of blessings keep coming— and I feel shy. Oh, I feel shy to accept all that kindness and abundance from everyone and everything. When one sees their source, it becomes a burdening truth that wakes me in the dark, saying His name, the Beloved bestowing light. I sell all my desires. I’ve become frail and feeble, invisible and silent, at home within the celestial melodies of my soul. It has become beyond even love.. and what’s beyond ...

  I’m not sure if I am to do this, love. To dream beyond this beingness with God. To be anything afterwards. I live my days in so much pain now, moments of service taking me away from this intense remembrance. Yet otherwise, I’m in deep contemplation, taken away into a realm of brilliant lights where the truth is seen. There is no in between. The spring of a peach tree is seen for the death and the ending lurking underneath. Oh, how I trembled when I saw the ripeness— I knew it was the end of a journey just begun. The leaves stained in crimson already, bowing down in servitude. How death lives so brightly at the zenith of aliveness somehow haunts me. I’m not sure anymore if I’d be able to serve you. Only if God wills it, then it will be done. But if this world is not the time, then what am I do with a beingness that has left itself? How am I to be at home with you if a moment of awakening makes me flee to the truth? I do not want to hurt you. On this mountain, I only want to meet t...

  This morning, it felt like my heart would stop. The grass burned in greenness, fuming along my heart. Tears burned me into despair and alienation so intensely that all I saw was my body falling to the ground, leaving all this behind. I don’t feel like wanting to go on anymore. But this is not from hate, this is from love and longing. Or perhaps something beyond love. I go to those children everyday and feel that the more I live, the more attachments there are. Love has weaved golden strings to where I stand. Every day that passes, reasons to be immensely grateful unfold like petals of spring. I thank God with a permanent smile plastered on my lips as long as I’m with everyone else. Yet, a glimpse of aloneness and I spread my body on the chair and just die.. Oh God, love keeps pinning me down, distracting me from you. I didn’t know there is a realm beyond love, where it is now time to be left behind. I know you shall replace this love with your grace. It is not mine to manipulate ...

My dearest and most loving one, You’re not here yet, but your light is. The more I change and transform, shedding parts of me I don’t need anymore, the more I see you. At times, you’re the little lavender-blue and white aura sitting next to me. I ponder upon you and your eyes invite me to worlds I can only be in through you. I’ve grown to love you more than I can describe, and even begin to. Your humble smallness is coincided by the vastness in your eyes, golden hair shimmering in the sun. You don’t say much and prefer to flee into the quiet mysteries of the universe explored in open skies free for you to roam even with your eyes closed. I feel that you’re a beautiful gift, my dearest. A gift that protects me, just like an angel would. I fear sometimes that I wouldn’t be able to see Hod through you all the times and fall into wanting to control how life floats within you. I just pray my heart is broken enough times not to even try.. I wouldn’t dare to try God’s glory and mercy in your ...

  كنت   مستغرقة   في   ذكر   الله   و   طالعت   الشمس   من   الشباك .  نظرت   فيها   بشدة،   فأحرقت   قلبي   بشوق   و   محبة .. رأيتُ   وجهك،   نوره   ضي   الشمس .  فإنه   شمس ..  يا   الله . نظرتُ   لك   في   دهشة   و   غيبة .  أخذ   قلبي   بالسكون   و   عيناي   بالدموع .  ابتسمتُ   في   وجهي   فصليتُ   عليك   في   سري ..  فغضتُ   نظرك   عني   ادباً . اعتذرت   لك   من   حبي   و   توارت   عيناي   من   نورك   في   أدب ..  ففي   صمت   انارته   كلماتك،   قلت   لي   أنك   تصلي   علي َّو   علي   كل   من   يحبني ..  ففاضت   عيناي   بالدموع   غرقاً ..  و   نويت   الحب .  فلتعمُ   صلاتك   قلوب ...