a daylight dream

When I look back, I find that not much has changed in numerous ways. The irony is that an infinitude of changes had happened in the past few years, perhaps one’s imperceptible, but powerful enough to manifest breakthroughs that may not be visible now, but are to create lasting imprints. Since 2017, things started to change so rapidly. Reflecting upon it with my father, he tells me that not much has changed, but I cannot help but recognise the person I was then. There are fleeting remnants of who I’d always been, but deep inside, I’ve changed radically. It seems that the more appropriate term is not change , but growing back to originality and authenticity rooted in my spirit. I don’t know why I’m mentioning this now, but something in me whispers that starting from 2022, all the imperceptible changes shall become more embodied in real terms. Faint dreams shall stroke the canvas of life in colours of daylight. I am not yet aware of how that should manifest, and am forsaking all the detai...

Another year passes by, significantly phenomenal, fulminating with heart-shattering perspectives and epiphanies that changed my world in all sense. As I write this, I am lighter in body and spirit, deep in veneration and gratitude for all the beauty that 2021’s days had left me with. Forsooth, it is time to marvel and engrain what had gone by— in essence just another year of growth and transformation. January Writing dramatic poetry, erupting from crevices so melancholic and loving. Going for endless runs and swims ‘neath January’s rains and sun-kissed clouds. Meeting up with my learners in the club. Loading up on oranges and apples from the wholesale fruit market. My mind acquainted with Taylor’s melodious ‘evermore’ tunes, inspiring the most treacherous visuals. Starting the second term online and having tremendous fun on Zoom with backgrounds and nicknames. Watching my learners create wondrous descriptive sentences that invoke the senses with wild imaginings. Composing a song. Conne...

  At last, it is the end of a deeply revelatory month. The whole of 2021 can be summarised into the processes navigated in December, which is quite beautiful, for I’ve intended to view it as a month of reverent journeys. December was a walk in the icy winter mornings, drawn to crimson artistry of the skies. Ah, I could talk about my love for open skies infinitely, and every day is a different canvas on which the light of God shines. It was immensely comforting to see how everything simply carries the light of God as it exists, and we, uniquely among all the other species, have the beautiful power to choose how to carry it. It is foreordained, surely, but we do have that will to consciously pour the Light out of our very hearts. In December, I went through the process of reflecting and writing. There were brilliant moments of sharing love with people around me, having empowering conversations in the book club and teachers whom I connected to rather miraculously. The most beautiful t...

I sit alone in my room, feeling time move. It’s been some time since I talked to anyone, and it really is my choice, at the end of the day. I feel myself withdrawing into a bubble of isolation and aloneness. It’s rather addicting not to meet or talk to anyone, sit in silence, observing congenial conversations and wondering if I’m able to love people this way. I went to the garden this afternoon since I felt so distant and alone. I sat on one of the steps and cried a little when I heard some of my favourite tunes, they touched the blues parts of me, parts starving for affection. The thing is… I do have love in my life. I’m not sure why it feels so alone all of a sudden, and it seems to come from right within me. It’s dangerous territory, it erases every single act of love permanently until I start thriving once more to truly see it all in abundance. I realised that deep inside, I’m not sure if I really love myself. I’m not sure if I’m good enough for anything, really. I know I should g...

Love seems to be memorised, for my fingers slide to hold your hand the first moment I’m awake. It’s the very first thing I do, and it has always been, even before the fleeting lifetime we had together. I was used to you not being here for so long, and  I missed you . Still, those fingers could dream of what it would be like to be loved, and they were contented until I had you here for a while. It feels wrong to say it’s been a while since it’s been ages, maybe timeless infinities, of our togetherness. A moment of waking next to you was all of it. God has foreordained that I outlive the ones I love, and now I suffer to do it all over again, unsure whether this is still missing you. I’ve missed you before, a time before I knew your name, and a time long afterwards. There was the time when you were here, and it was another kind of missing you, while looking into your eyes and breaking before the celestial connection you’ve gifted me. I couldn’t look into those inscrutable eyes of your...