Emerging Womanhood.

I've always wanted to write something about womanhood, but I was always daunted by the shame of the imperfections of the process of leaving girlhood behind and becoming a woman. Now that I'm almost halfway through my twenty-second year, everything feels different, though quite the same simultaneously. At times, it feels as if I did not grow up and have remained the girl I've always been, but in other times, I do feel like I truly have turned into a woman all of a sudden.

I must start off by saying that since I have lived most of my life with my father, the idea of being a woman was rather distant to me. I was raised with a lot of masculine energy, but was still given the feminine roles in the outer world. At home, I was expected to be tough, extremely hard-working, goal-oriented and strong yet, I was still told I was weak being a girl. I was told that I should be protected from the outside world, that I was fragile and soft, in respect to the nature of things. It was really confusing at times, especially during my late teenage years, as I felt a heightened feeling of masculine and feminine energy at the same time, and I didn't know which was supposed to take over n order to succeed.

Now that I've matured, I'm extremely aware of the importance of having balanced energies, a little of the masculine to get things done and stand up for myself, as well as a little of the feminine to bring forth passion, creativity and authenticity to my life. Still, deep down, I'm exploring what womanhood is for me, and what I view it in a world that is conflicting with perplexed views. As I always do, I choose to believe in my own version of things, rather than what is dictated and streamed.

I know that a lot of my womanhood comes from suffering. Not just personal suffering, but the empathetic kind stemming from standing in solidarity with collective suffering that calls for healing. My womanhood blossoms through making others feel seen, heard and recognised, stripped from materialistic claims on the identity. As a woman, I view my righteous place in my society in a dualistic role, making room for conversations where questions are open, non-judgmental and awakening. I see myself making room for whole selves, instead of fragmented shards of identities we perceive through our subjective lens. It's truly giving my all by allowing people to give their all, as paradoxical as it sounds. 

Another thing which I would signify in my womanhood is being able to give and most essentially, receive. I think one of those problems in the society which needs to be addressed is how women view themselves as sacred givers, tormenting their own well-being with so many unfulfilled needs just to claim the righteousness of their identity, and I must admit it's a toxic trait that most of the women in my life have exhibited. We tend to overly give without the boundaries that such a sacred act should be protected by, especially from abuse and backlashing. Breaking the cycle for me would be my ability to draw boundaries and tap into my intuition when it comes to giving, as not everyone is ready to receive kindness without being triggered. It's extremely important to be in tune with our feelings if we ever feel that some lines should be drawn to protect the sacredness of our love. Another part of this equation is receiving, which is a process I never thought was important until I've fallen into the trap of not opening my heart enough to receive love. Toxic womanhood gives, but resists and even shuns receiving. How can we expect to grow ourselves and our capacity to love if we do not receive love in return? So many women out there diminish their souls by not receiving love, and that should be eradicated from our culture. Receiving will only expand our role in this society, empowering and growing us to keep giving as never before.

Last but not least, I cannot signify enough how much modesty means to me as a woman. Modesty is the utmost expression of grace, in my opinion. The modesty in what I wear, how I talk and express my own existence is such a humbling act that resists so much of what we are learning in our modern society. In the competitive world, we get to forget the thin line that separates boastfulness, egoistic pride and authentic empowerment of oneself. Through the eyes of my own womanhood, I feel the grace of humility and humbleness, choosing that my utmost beauty is to be seen by a prized few, whom I trust with my life. With modesty, the praise and ovations from the outside world do not mean that much, for true love comes from within me, it comes from the authentic acknowledgment of my own worth, which enables me to advocate my strengths sensibly and stand up for myself when necessary, without trying too hard. Womanhood has taught me this beautiful form of grace, which is also scaffolded by the teachings of my spiritual and religious practice. 

In the end, I know that I shall be learning a lot about womanhood in the coming years, a knowledge that shall be yet more scaffolded by interacting with many men and women in my community. As I said in a different blog post, I do feel at home in Egypt now, I've found a way to weave in my identity and individual dream into the fabric of my society, and I don't think it's so far away. Perhaps I'm finding it very rewarding to blend into the suffering and turmoil that heals the people here and brings us together. I feel closer than I've ever been to humanity, what tears us apart and what binds us together. I'm readier than ever to be brave enough to fall in love to bring forth the pain that usually stops us from communing and collaborating for a collective positive change and transcendence. I believe my womanhood is a beautiful vessel that shall do its part in ways I cannot even imagine.