a daylight dream

  the silence between us orbits us around all the transient journeys and all the defined paths we fixate on. the silence between us spreads us in space in the illusion that we are in control of who we are— till the silence turns to be an unbearably loud  noise .  the choice, dearest. all this time, I knew that navigating my life is just one big cacophony of noise. when all the spellbinding events arise, all I’m longing for is the mirror of your eyes. who else knows it’s but Him.. who else knows the truth of it but your heart. you understand it now, dearest? the pain of the distance between our timeless gazes. when we think we are in control of it, our hearts in deep sleep. the effort and brokenness it takes to unload the weight of our doing. eased in graceful softness with just one step into the garden of love: the silent sky of your eyes, the soulful closeness of your presence. this time, I feel less in control of it. I deeply know that no amount of preparation equates a...

today was beautiful— that kind of day which makes you melt in the light of people that have the courage to heal. this is something I recognise in people so instantly— this palpable light that emanates from their hearts, this authentic vulnerability and wholeness in knowing brokenness, imperfection and pain. I was truly lucky to meet Rana, an educator I have stumbled upon— passionate, eager and relentless in learning limitlessly. also, humbly empowering, big-hearted and deeply honouring her pain and struggles which makes her so real.. so true. I felt my smallness standing by her side. if there is something not many people recognise about me, I am deeply shy sometimes, especially in situations where I am asked to speak my truth. before her, I felt the smallness in just allowing her to be, to express and hold space for wholeness. it was a sacred moment, an honest prayer of an open heart. my shyness, though often nerve-wracking for me, is often a gift. I find that a leadership role does no...

  I wonder where this limp fragility comes from— an inexorable need, the brokenness of my doing and breaking down before my helplessness. I closed my eyes while in the bus today, and my heart reminded me of all the obstacles in my life, even though I’m not sure why. my overprotective father, having less freedom than most people, my burning longing to feel safe in being myself and a broken family situation which keeps inking my world in undesirable splats every once in a while. I was reminded by my unstable relationship with my own body and existence; a rollercoaster between the highs of transcendence and the lows of being shackled and limited midst all those restraints.. I didn’t want to remember. I try to focus on what’s beautiful most of the time. I cannot deny that in my weakness I often feel like I can never move on with my life tied to lessons from the past I haven’t learned so thoroughly yet. I keep blaming myself for it all. It’s all inside me. It’s a mirror of my fears. a m...

in being honest, I falter at how far sugarcoating could go. sometimes, in effort to let things go, I find myself coating the pain with the sweetness of it being a gift when still, it is painful. when still, it is meant to be seen as hurt. when it still hasn’t been transcended. I’ve agreed not to run away from my problems. I don’t want to be the person who would run away and leave it all behind seeking a new life. sometimes I think I just want to stay here, see it through in forgiveness and kindness— but I often feel like more time spent in this cage is weakening my wings.. in being honest I realise that as far as healing could go, we cannot heal anyone. we cannot really change people. we cannot really expect other people to transform their hearts in accordance to our will. it doesn’t work like that, but my relentlessness tricks me into believing it is possible. no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to fix his past. I won’t be able to paint his heart anew. I can’t waste mine on this...

I know that it is at the brink of aliveness that one truly experiences death. It is quite paradoxical and truly elusive to comprehend. For this truth can be experienced both ways, in all ways, the whole spectrum of bitterness and sweetness.. I’ve been rather concerned with issues of our world lately, leaving contemplation behind, leaving You in the background of my heart— my remembrance of You subtle, weak, unrecognisable. there was barely time to consider surrender being in the limelight of all doing. Dear God, sometimes I get so terribly alienated by remembering myself. I get so painfully tempted by boredom of having to consider my life. In the midst of efforts to feel wholeness, through so much introspection, I get tired of remembering myself more than You— the vastness of it, the undying truth that midst all of my effort, there is Your unceasing power that undoes everything I do, leaving me in broken humility and less and less control.. Sometimes all I want to remember that I’m tru...