a daylight dream

the field of my heart was carrying the weight of all the weeds that inflicted its harmonious presence. weeds that monstrously depleted the original authenticity in my world that had been designed upon sheer, timeless contentment. oh, how arduous it is to live in guilt and shame for not being enough. the burden of excusing contentment until we sort things out, until we feel more sure of ourselves, more defined by our values. how hard it was for me these months feeling a deep insufficiency for not owning my expectations and living them deeply. and this shameful narrative in my head replaying a useless, fearful record which I know now was not even real.  how convinced I was that I was doing everything wrong, that I was failing, that I didn’t have what it took to light up the world. how persuasive is this story in my head that haunts me deep into the night, stirring for some sleep, waking up with aches that stop me from wanting to try again. a fatal flaw, perhaps. it will never change....

  it’s all in my head. time, experience, judgement. one impression to the next and one field of emotion to the other. static sparks intersecting at a continuum so achingly swift, so formidably dull. I collapse on my bed unable to stop my thoughts. I see the noise of the day, the hassle, the interruptions of my peace. I stir for hours and even when I do fall asleep, it is unconscious, tiring, unfiltering. the time that was yesterday is not very different from the time that is now. it’s still all here somehow. I just hate it when this happens— when there’s so much to break free from in brokenness. I wonder if the problem is me, or the noise, or the busyness of my day, or the never ending to-do list that seems to need tedious polishing all the time. I do not seek perfection in my life, and I still wonder where all this comes from. I wonder why my head just never stops drifting to the temporariness. but I’m taking a deep breath now. it’s courtesy I’m inhaling. the courtesy of revering ...