Chasing Spring.

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There is an unquenchable thirst for the undoing of all the knots that have been tied long ago; knots of limitations and maddening, low ceilings that call for being broken, for there is an ever-expanding world of mysteries out there, and I want to explore it all, if not through my feet, then with my bare, open heart.

It's spring after all, since February is here. I have been secretly leaving the house for morning walks, sneaking into the garden and making sure no one can see me as I smile ridiculously with my chin up to the sky, resisting the temptation to twirl around and dance. I crouch down in the strangest positions to greet the young patches of grass that I hadn't seen before and walk towards the mulberry trees for a warm hug. Spring is music to my ears, a well-orchestrated dance of life, giving and receiving love in a distinct language only souls can comprehend.




Spring crawls to my very bones. It bewitches me in every way. I believe the splendour is in watching every day being different that the one before, waking up every morning with a dire desire to see what new has come to life. I don't find it pleasurable to see the outcome all ready and gleaming; it's more about the journey. It's more about the subtle changes and little signs of growth, baby steps I've lived my whole life ignoring. To see it in an outward manner reminds me ever so critically to witness subtle signs of growth within me, as well, and to stop resisting my heart, stopping it from opening up to receive love and appreciation, and most necessarily, stopping it from loving the hardship and pain that would eventually make me grow.


My heart is stretching wider and wider everyday. So many things I used to resist and shut out have made a way into my inner conversation and I just keep listening, welcoming and loving. Even the most anxious thoughts of uncertainty are welcome now, for they find a warm chest to rest upon, till they flow away like a fleeting, stranger thought, the emptiness becomes filled with a reckoning force of love, instead of one that gnaws and eats away more and more, every time it decides to arrive and knock me off my feet.



There is an unquenchable thirst for learning, lately. Despite my day bustling with things to do, I've been staying up later than usual to ponder over handbooks and authored ideas, just to watch those convoluted thoughts spiral up the most magnificent ladder of wisdom. It's my conviction that learning is a never-ending journey, and it keeps my heart alive. Learning fills me with humility and a vulnerable, child-like passion I cannot contain. Albeit it is too humiliating not to understand and not to have put into action so many things, it is still enriching to practise surrender to the way those ideas always seem to find a way home.


I've been practising grace more often than not. It's not as hard as it used to be and I'm less in auto-pilot mode. How I detest functioning like some programme that only thinks and lives in the head, and grace is my salvation. I have to remind myself every second of the day to be more present and to emit more love around me. It's hardest when I'm on that desk, trying to plan out somethings worthwhile and getting those random roadblocks of uncertain outcomes. Yet, it is better than it was. I am much more graceful, much more present, much more in love with the precious gift that is the present moment, the infinite awareness that is verily our sole home.



And so, that is me chasing spring; chasing beauty, chasing love, chasing inner peace and joy in the journey that defines itself through stillness, silence, hardship and mystery, transmuted into a wonderful masterpiece with a patient, all-accepting love that permeates all and stands out as the only clear manifesto. 


I pray for love to be the manifesto of my life. I pray to chase spring forevermore, be childlike enough to capture its essence and adore its magnificence, even if it has to be crouching down near the dandelions or hugging the mulberry trees.


I pray it always is the genuine me.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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