a daylight dream

  A vast part of my soul has been touched by transformation, and if it ever walks astray from the path of light, it cannot be tolerated as before. My heart has been bestowed with a torrential kind of love that opens all the windows and aerates all the crevices that have been barricaded by walls of pretend and inauthenticity. It’s hard to live like this now, and perhaps this week was quite ordinary, and I was back to my normal ways, forgetting a little bit about what I’ve been through. I can see now that there is no way but to truly step into that newer version of myself, and the entirety of who I am is slowly and more covered with the loving blanket of my soul. I’ve been reminded this week of how I used to not love myself, and how this is still deeply etched in me. There is a deep wound within that is soaked in harshness and a strive for competency. And whenever I find myself walking into that land of chasing something, even if it’s learning in that old way of mine, it comes back f...

Every once in a while, I lapse into a bubble of numbness. It's not exactly numbness, but an indifferent equanimity, a restful episode of non-doing that is a little dull and guilty. When those kinds of episodes air in my soul, I usually feel quite uneasy. It’s not the natural state of my mind to be so passive and uninspired. Also, it is at those times when my doings are quite invisible both in magnitude and intensity. I don’t feel the vibrancy of my days, and it feels like I’m losing my spark. It reminds me of the days I had an awful relationship with myself. Those occasional times of numbness would cause me great distress for I’d judge myself so bad for not glowing brightly. I’d be anxious, measuring the impact of work and finding nothing worthy to measure. What is to be measured in a day that is restful, I wonder? Perhaps it is the silent gratitude of being gifted a day, breathing in and becoming so wholly nourished without having to do anything worthwhile at all. No matter how ha...