a daylight dream

  My friend talked to me about receivership when I asked her for help. She talked to me about an open heart that sees God’s bounty and endless stream of gifts, which He created for us. My eyes watered as I listened to her, wondering how I had forgotten God’s love in my soul. I can see now my past in clarity. I remember the gifts that landed on my palm when I desperately needed them. Before my worthlessness and insecurity and excessive belief that I’m not good enough for those ideals, God has taken my trembling hands and transformed how the world saw me. I remember that very first day as a teacher on which I stood firmly on the ground, nothing but belief in God in my heart; for alone, I was insufficient to carry out this duty. It is true that the world in separation of God is small and ugly. But the world lived while holding hands with God is grand and glorious. Tiny moments in which belief transcends our pettiness shine brighter than the sun piercing through the clouds— for what su...

After experiencing a tumultuous breakdown yesterday while on the bike, tears streaming down vigorously like I’ve been holding on to pain for such a long time— my heart slightly opened up, slightly enough to reveal some light between the cracks. For a few months now, I’ve been holding myself back from expressing myself fully. Being in the stream of love, I was reduced to nothingness, weakened by the smallness of my being. There were moments that words crumbled as they tried to depict meaning, and so I patiently addressed this by staying reverently silent, repressing the currents in my heart despite their majestic unfolding. When the pain of these few weeks intensified, I felt the pain of oppression, like I was doing something wrong to myself. It didn’t feel right to reduce myself  so eagerly till there was no will, no creativity, no power left to do anything. I thought it was alright to surrender— and I did. The surrender unveiled that there is deep pain of worthlessness, and that I...

  Something new I’m experiencing is  fatigue . Deep, emotional fatigue and exhaustion from the simplest act of being invested in a worldly act of doing. A little walk in the mall perhaps, or putting up with a song or a conversation my sister likes to have. It’s then a wave of dread and separation that pushes me to want to discipline myself in isolation even further. I feel very shameful and guilty being so transparent about it. Transparency thereof is the precursor of transcendence; with this light I can see what the holes in my heart are made of. Worthlessness. Insufficiency. Separation. Back in April, in Ramadan, I felt the struggle of having to deal with my sense of incompleteness and insecurity. A grappling sensation of unworthiness from unknown territories, making me even angrier. It’s an ailment I lived with all my life. I’ve embraced it, created through it, transcended it with God’s grace— often times I just return to it again in despair. I’m my own authentic weakness w...

Over the last couple of months, I must admit I did make a mistake which I was oblivious to recognise. I thought I was doing something righteous and true, but it seems I’ve been perpetually harming myself on the way. Ever since April, I felt it in me to discipline myself by going too harsh in terms of not fulfilling simple pleasures, neglecting my needs, isolating myself from people I love and discarding anything human that didn’t connect me to absolute truth. At first, it was beautiful and purifying, filling me with essence, meaning and incredulous gratitude for not being veiled by worldly belongings. But, I was too harsh. I still am. This feeling had been lingering for a while. That feeling of insufficiency, emptiness and worthlessness. That feeling that I don’t deserve anything good from the universe unless I spread myself too think in my disciplining efforts just to have a glimpse of it and then feel an incredible, critical and eminent pain in my gut filled with guilt and shame. Thi...