Leaving Restlessness Behind.

I'm here to reflect on a part of my healing journey which has created so much abundance and bliss in my life, now that I'm on the other side. Moments like those make you realise how wonderful this life is when you hold on to healing yourself from limiting and unhealthy habits that eat you up on the inside. I want to say that I think I have left my restlessness behind me.

What is restlessness? Well, life these days pushes us to extremes. Ambition is contagious, and we were programmed to believe that in order to reach our dreams and goals, we need to always be chasing something. In order to be successful, we need to say "yes" to every single opportunity out there, doing multiple things at the same time, always thinking of what's coming next, never stopping from a moment to reflect and rest from the climb up, to map out the right choices to make. 

Honestly, I've fallen into that. I thought it was the right thing to do. I was not always a restless person, but in late 2018, I just wanted to prove myself. I took on multiple projects and jobs, which led me to be overworked every single day, and a day of doing nothing was a nonexistent concept. I was hooked on to always be doing something, even when I had nothing on my to-do list, then I forced myself to find something to research, something new to learn, anything to keep my mind busy.

I thought this was the only way to success. I've been told that in order to be successful, I must always be moving forwards, always on the go, chasing opportunities, saying yes without thinking about the implications and having this "all or nothing" mentality. I knew that in order to do something important in my life, I had to suffer but now I realise, this is not true.

The thing is, working hard is important. Work done passionately, with elevated energy, belief and faith is a prerequisite if you want to achieve your dreams in your life, whatever they are. However, this is wrongly interpreted as perceiving life as tough, hard and a win-lose situation. The truth is, there is another way after I have realised that there were detrimental effects on many aspects of my life.

I noticed that during the lockdown, and a little while before that. After years of not taking a break, my mind started to rust, being in the critical, "overthinking" mode all the time. There was this indescribable fog in my mind, and in order to escape this unclarity, the only option was to keep working and thinking. Time alone, spent doing nothing at all, was torturous. I'd feel my legs shaking, and my mind predicting worst-case scenarios, making me burst into tears for no apparent reason. If I wasted just an hour doing something off my to-do list, I'd freak out, lose control and couldn't tame my emotions. I was always doing something, and I started to say "yes" to opportunities that didn't align with my vision. I started taking projects when I wasn't ready, given that I had to say a painful goodbye to my family in Poland and it was kind of hurtful. I didn't give time to process my emotions, and I wanted to validate myself, so the only option was to do something.

It wasn't until the lockdown that I started to realise that something is off. For a while, there were no lectures, no tutoring sessions, no work- only this blank emptiness. I freaked out. I couldn't find anything to do. My brain was overthinking everything, restlessly trying to find more things to think about, making me go through a maze-like pattern of ideas that led me nowhere. It took me a long time to realise what was missing.

And I'm here to reflect upon that.

I realised that it's extremely important to take time to reflect and listen to your heart's desire. Taking time every day to sit down with yourself before sleep and questioning whether you feel aligned or not is cardinal to create a meaningful life. It's important to think before saying "yes", and choosing the things that align with what you're here to do. 

Success is not having x projects on your timeline. It's not about being busy all the time. It's not about succeeding at every single endeavor. True success is about aligning to what means to you the most, using your gifts to add value to the world, being truly connected to yourself and others, experiencing abundance and love as much as possible. True success is to sleep each night feeling grateful for your efforts, calm and serene, no matter how the results end up to be like.

Since true success requires failing at times, we need to have a healthy relationship with ourselves; our very minds and hearts. Since true success requires connecting to your innermost gifts, it needs ample time for visualisation, dreaming and non-judgmental exploration. 

It just occurred to me that the only thing we take with us when we die is our relationship with ourselves, others and God. We do not take our accomplishments, we are not buried with our money, possessions and titles. I could not continue living my life this way when every single moment alone made me feel trapped. How would it be then when all I'd have is myself? I just knew in my heart that I had to change and leave restlessness behind, reframe success, and chase a healthier, more loving relationship with myself.

Now, I look forward to spending time with myself. I look forward to moments of rest after climbs up. It feels wonderful to sit back and reflect after going through that one breakthrough, that embarrassing failure or shameful mistake. It feels whole to have a conversation with myself, face my discomfort and intense feelings- feel them rather than find unlimited ways to escape them. I feel empowered when I say "no" to something which may give me money and status, and go for what feels right for me. I feel blessed when God guides and blesses me in return with yet more abundant opportunities to grow and add value to others, just because I started asking for what is right for my journey.

I don't think it's worth it anymore. I don't think it's worth going from one mountain to another without looking at the clear, open sky on the peak before moving forwards. I was made to feel this awe, internalise the magnificence and love in my journey and embrace the present moment. I'm not here to chase and run, I'm here to live. I'm here to stay true to my humanness.

I want to thank you for reading this post, no matter how long it was. I just hope it inspires you to leave restlessness behind and take time to connect to your innermost dreams and desires, and fearlessly ask for ways to go for them. Life can be effortless, it can be full of love and inspired work. Everyday can feel like a new opportunity to pour love and passion into what you do. Life doesn't have to be an obligation, a race and a competition. 

Verily, your life can be yours.