a daylight dream

Sometimes I just sit back with music in my ears, closing my eyes. But in a fleeting moment, I realise that I need not listen to music when there is a wind around, only there for my entertainment. I see the leaves swaying, embarking a symphony of rustles and crackles, like a tickling sensation on the soles of my feet. I can feel the wind brushing my cheeks, setting them pale, nipping their colour away. Oh, and I sit back in contemplation, taking my time to colour those winds by my imagination. Some days, they are a regal turquoise, blowing from the north, bringing in the sound of seagulls and crashing Northern waves. Other days, the wind has a peculiar, sweet fragrance of fermented sunshine, heading towards us from the south, coloured in a yellow, tinted by some peachy fuzz. Sometimes I believe winds could be green, and they are the winds so fresh and inspiring, greeting us with arrivals of seasons like spring and autumn, allowing the vapour in the air to condense in fluffy clo...

Ramadan lights. :) The full moon is already getting smaller day by day, signalling the end of the month of Ramadan. This phenomena is inspiring so many count downs these days, at least personally. How much time do I have left to finish my exams? To travel? To come back? And start the cycle all over again. Count downs are rather thrilling, but they waste the time I should spend doing something more worthwhile. I'm that kind of person who fantasises and fills her head up with so many day dreams when expectant and hopeful; I allow so much emotion to embrace my soul and keep me happy although I'm fully aware of how unrealistic these expectations are, and they almost never get fulfilled unless I reflect. Reflections are a beyond splendid method for me to basically believe in magic; just sitting back and recollecting events that had happened in the past gives me a spellbinding satisfaction since I just add emotions to adorn the situations, based on my ideals. In my r...

It's been ten months since I actually started taking care about my diet, and that's a good thing and I'm certainly improving though it gets hard sometimes. I must admit, I'm not yet comfortable around food; the energy I get afterwards makes me quite fearful and anxious but I'm learning to deal with it even though sometimes, I just really want to give up and stop eating all together. I miss being an ordinary person; eating when I truly want to, having good meals without the guilt and not having food occupy a large portion of my mind. But it's better, and the hope that I might reach that ordinary state one day sustains me for the moment. Moroccan semolina pancakes. So, at least I have become dependant on food and that makes me human again (hooray!). I've noticed that when I don't eat much, I always get extra hungry the next day and tend to over eat and it's yet another signal that my body is getting accustomed to eating. I'm not really...

I would have called myself disgruntled but I refuse to do so since I do not want to link my situation with dissatisfaction or anger. God forbid, I'm utterly grateful for everything in my life. I'd better call my situation a moment of weakness and yes, that sounds better. It reflects a moment in which it's quite difficult to keep on struggling and fighting and rather relapsing into episodes of bottomless sorrow and hopelessness. It's temporary, I know. Perhaps this is my time to actually recharge and take a break from absorbing all the negativity I've been exposed to for the past ten months. I'm not a metallic plate after all and even though I aim to be so, I won't be able to dodge the bullets forever. I have the right to renew and strengthen my plate and that takes some time. I understand that.  I'm currently reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, even though I had started it several times before, it's just some sort of a motivat...

I'm not really inspired to write any blog posts at this time of the year, especially that it's hard to discern how I feel about myself, and about things in general. My mood is fluctuating acutely everyday; from happy mornings to daunting evenings and vice verse. Even though I'm used to experiencing utter joy in summer, without the cold or the hazy skies, I feel as if I could never be happy, ever again. Honestly, it's such a hopeless feeling and I know that it is temporary, and nothing but an illusion portrayed by anxiety and the environment around me. My emotions are currently shaped up as a whirlpool, spinning downwards. Some days I'm closer to the surface, hoping to breathe and fill my lungs with air again while others, I'm in the apex; sinking and isolating myself from any cues. You know what's hurting me? You know what's painful? It's my mind telling me that this will be my life; the life I'm planning so arduously to adorn with beauty an...

I wonder who I shall be a couple of years from now; perhaps a renegade, striking against injustice. Perhaps a pioneer in an autonomous field, or an entrepreneur taking multiple risks at a time. I wonder whether I shall be safe in my home, while others are fighting in wars and against disease, whether I shall be stuck in a cycle of ignorance, too caught up by the simple pleasures and frivolous scars, while the world is lightening up with anger and rage. I wonder if my imaginations of who I am shall defy reality's creativity, which is always the case. Who knows who I shall be? Who knows if I would stay the same? Who knows if I will remain in the bubble of recent incidents and be far away from what really matters. Honestly, I don't know what is my path; do I want to defy the hate, anger and injustice? Or do I oppositely want to seek a peaceful life? Do I want to change the world? Am I actually aware of the risks I am supposed to take? It's so complicated and I...

Wow, I didn't really write any exciting posts this month and it troubles me since I usually feel guilty without expressing myself through writings, I haven't even written anything in my book. However, my disposition is uncanny and it's taking me a while in order to reflect and figure out how to deal with the changes I'm experiencing.  Let me bid May goodbye and oh, I shall miss it terribly. I mean, I didn't even enjoy it that much because I was stuck at home studying for my finals and idling near swimming pools with my notes to revise. I didn't really feel it's inspiring airs nor the self-driven attitude. In fact, I've been rather lax and lethargic, my thoughts not crossing the boundaries of my dreams but inspecting the consequences of the present moment. Change is a new phenomenon in my life, even amidst the killing routines of home. Yet, change shall embrace me through travel plans, self-development and newer experiences.  Life at home had...

I love the night in all its levels; the sunset with its condensed sunshine, nightfall and the first starlight, glamorous spicy airs infused with moonlight. But that's only the part of the night which feels so alive, and it's when I'm the person I know, the girl with sparks of productivity and hopefulness in her spirit. Yet there are these hours that follow, which I used to spend asleep, but now lie awake in my bed, contemplating. I become a person so disparate and I could hardly recognise who I am. The stars start vibrating slightly, contrasting gloriously against the navy blue canvass. I feel a voice other than the one I usually produce through the air passing through my vocal chords; an air crystalline with bright sunlight now concussed with shadows. At this part of night, I'm full of life; life I had gathered during the day, and I can hear myself in deep reflections, going through scenarios, feeling emotions occurring only in my wildest dreams, watching myself d...

I wasn't that lucky when I was younger when it came to wishes and dreams since all of my materialistic childish desires were nipped away from me right before my eyes. To illustrate, I would spend a few months fantasising about a new phone and when I would get finally get it as a gift, it would not work and then I would end up in grave disappointment. Since then, I learned not to set my heart on those kind of wishes because they were usually too far-fetched and vulnerable to changes in circumstance, they were too controlled by factors other than mine. So, I ended up heading towards dreams of success, helping the world, building a good family and perhaps, an affluent career. Those kind of dreams kept me going even though they were also shaped by the common life instabilities. Yet, they were things that belonged to me, dreams based on my own decisions, built upon opportunities only tailored for myself. Nowadays, I spend all of my morning runs dreaming of my future, and conjur...

Rainbow sunsets in Poland. Despite the heat and scorching sun rays, I adore summer and it seems that I'm the only one in the whole country that feels that way in May. Most of the people I know are already experiencing this mild depression due to the heat, but I tend to thrive when it's hot, when there are cantaloupes and watermelons in the fridge, when swimming pools are refreshing, when clothes are light and skin is tanned. Yes, the heat waves are rather inexorable and daunting but my body feels good and I don't tend to feel so much discomfort. Ramadan embarks on the 27th of May and I am overjoyed since I love to fast and feel my body detoxifying and releasing its toxins. I also love those simple iftar (breakfast in Arabic) moments, the thrill when you drink your first sip of water after a long day alongside some fresh hibiscus. I'm rather dazed in disbelief because I can't imagine ways to spend the long days since I wake up at 5 am every single day. Of ...