Knowing.

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I'm not really inspired to write any blog posts at this time of the year, especially that it's hard to discern how I feel about myself, and about things in general. My mood is fluctuating acutely everyday; from happy mornings to daunting evenings and vice verse. Even though I'm used to experiencing utter joy in summer, without the cold or the hazy skies, I feel as if I could never be happy, ever again. Honestly, it's such a hopeless feeling and I know that it is temporary, and nothing but an illusion portrayed by anxiety and the environment around me.

My emotions are currently shaped up as a whirlpool, spinning downwards. Some days I'm closer to the surface, hoping to breathe and fill my lungs with air again while others, I'm in the apex; sinking and isolating myself from any cues. You know what's hurting me? You know what's painful? It's my mind telling me that this will be my life; the life I'm planning so arduously to adorn with beauty and positivity. Yet, my subconscious tells me that I shall live my future experiencing this internal agony which is deemed unfixable. I don't know what's the solution to let me free from this whirlpool that literally sucks the life out of me every time it catches me. It just does— and I do nothing but give in.

Resistance is an inexorable task to me since I hate to experience conflicts and bitterness; I'd rather just give in and lose a fight than to go on and prove myself (yeah, you can call me weak). Sometimes I blame my hormonal balance for that situation I'm experiencing heavily. Or maybe it's my sensitivity to the stultified attitudes of people surrounding me. It is something— and I can't figure it out. Every morning I wake up hoping this sensation would just end.. but I find myself living it again and again and again. Every time I change something to just make it go away, it comes back as strong as ever. I just don't know anymore.

I reside in my dreams and imaginations, but they are constantly interrupted by the conflicts and wars taking place in reality. I make plans of the future but then I ask myself: when and where is this future? I have no idea about anything, and the obscurity is scaring me. Will I live my whole life with this internal turmoil? Waking up and sleeping with hope as fickle as mine? When will I start doing things for real?

Too many questions that I'm taking too seriously. I'm glad I have work to do these two weeks to distract myself from my own interrogations for they are mostly obsolete, leaving me disgruntled and just angry. And yes, anger is a new emotion I'm feeling these days; I'm just furious about myself and how awful I am. I'm just so useless, you know?

Perhaps eighteen year-olds with potentials like mine weren't meant to do anything just yet. But I read the other day that we need to be proactive; to find solutions, to take initiative.. but how? I don't know. The search process is tedious and soul-sucking. 

I'm grateful. I really am. But I want to show the world that, you know? I'm tired of being a consumer and doing nothing productive in my life. Everything these days is just happening in my head and life is a series of repetitive days, bestowing upon me like full stops. 

Maybe I need a break, especially from home which I don't call home any longer. Home is not where there are constant fights, stress and criticism. It's not where hearts fall apart, not where love dries up. No, it isn't. I watch those things everyday and build my future contradicting and opposing their effects. But what if I grow up with those attitudes already planted in my subconscious? What if I grow up to be a bitter and pessimistic person that I loathe to be? What if my life goes to waste?

I'm just losing control of what to believe. I know this is a really sad post but it's a reflection of what I'm going through. I'm just thankful that I'm alone these days, and that I don't interact with people much, since I just don't like to mingle with friends when I'm in this state. I'd rather isolate myself until I figure it all out. Because in the end, nobody will figure it out for me; it's something I had recently learned. 

I hope everyone out there is alright, living life to the fullest and taking care of themselves. I hope things get brighter, one day.
P.S: I didn't want to post this but, I think I must be true to myself.

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