My Relationship with Food: An Update.

It's been ten months since I actually started taking care about my diet, and that's a good thing and I'm certainly improving though it gets hard sometimes.

I must admit, I'm not yet comfortable around food; the energy I get afterwards makes me quite fearful and anxious but I'm learning to deal with it even though sometimes, I just really want to give up and stop eating all together. I miss being an ordinary person; eating when I truly want to, having good meals without the guilt and not having food occupy a large portion of my mind. But it's better, and the hope that I might reach that ordinary state one day sustains me for the moment.

Moroccan semolina pancakes.

So, at least I have become dependant on food and that makes me human again (hooray!). I've noticed that when I don't eat much, I always get extra hungry the next day and tend to over eat and it's yet another signal that my body is getting accustomed to eating. I'm not really into eating breakfasts yet and tend to have small snacks every hour or so till it reaches 2 pm and then I could have my lunch. The thing is, my metabolism is not healthy enough to deal with meals and they always just give me this anxiety-inducing energy rush and a sugar-crash afterwards. I long for breakfasts but my body doesn't feel good with it, honestly.

Sesame-fennel-anise-cumin cookies.

I'm not eating 1200 calories anymore, maybe less. But at least I'm eating, you know? At least I feel like I deserve to eat. Two years ago, I lived on five servings of fruit a day but now, I need to have lunch and multiple snacks and never feel guilty. However, I feel like my body is missing on some crucial nutrients and minerals since I'm not eating as much fruits and vegetables as I want to, because we didn't buy so much fruits this year. I think my body lacks some magnesium (hence my awful mood), potassium (for the bloating and water retention) and some more fats. I usually snack on breaks sticks and honey, because they're the fastest and they satisfy my sugar-crash when I eat normal meals. 

On the bright side, my hair is getting thicker, my nails stronger and my skin less dry. Also, I got my period back and I have hormonal fluctuations throughout the month and that means, at least I'm functioning. I understand that it will a long time (maybe more than a year) to stabilise my internal health, but man, it sucks to feel so bad all the time. I gained weight but its not so noticeable unless I'm bloated, and it's when I usually feel like relapsing because most of my pants don't fit. Somehow, I'm trying to get myself to believe that it's not me getting any fatter but just gut issues and water retention and that keeps me going, but not so well.

I do have body image issues, but as I said earlier, it's because of the bloating. Some days I feel like an elephant and feel daunted by it since I don't eat much and exercise regularly, but then my dad comments on how thin I look. I don't know whether to believe him or the reflection in the mirror, but I know that my perception of how I look is quite unhealthy, and that I always find flaws in myself that people don't notice. I'm just looking for ways to heal, but I don't know from where to start but I'm sure I'll get better when my body starts functioning effectively. Oh, how I long for that day!

I have developed a mantra that says: "there's no going back, you are where you are supposed to be." and it keeps me from relapsing. It keeps me from believing the voices in my head and falling back to square one. Some days, I give in and starve myself but then feel my body resisting the hunger and urging me to eat, so I just thank my intuition for being aware of the journey I had embarked. Honestly, I've come a long way and I don't want to ever go back. I've had enough, and I don't want to go through it again. 

I know it will get better, but it's formidable to have so much faith when you feel like your body is attacking you. I need to keep in mind that I'm doing it all alone; without medications or doctor visits. I'm doing it through the ups and downs and an oath of trust between me and God, that everything will turn out okay only if I am patient and acceptant. I trusted my body to get my period back, and I got it. Why not try again and wait for just another year and see what happens?

I'm on the right track. I feel it.