A Moment of Weakness.

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I would have called myself disgruntled but I refuse to do so since I do not want to link my situation with dissatisfaction or anger. God forbid, I'm utterly grateful for everything in my life. I'd better call my situation a moment of weakness and yes, that sounds better. It reflects a moment in which it's quite difficult to keep on struggling and fighting and rather relapsing into episodes of bottomless sorrow and hopelessness.

It's temporary, I know. Perhaps this is my time to actually recharge and take a break from absorbing all the negativity I've been exposed to for the past ten months. I'm not a metallic plate after all and even though I aim to be so, I won't be able to dodge the bullets forever. I have the right to renew and strengthen my plate and that takes some time. I understand that. 

I'm currently reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, even though I had started it several times before, it's just some sort of a motivating instrument for me, because books always are. To be honest, I'm contradicting every single line written in the book and it's really saddening to see myself the exact opposite of effective. I know that deep inside, I am proactive yet, I'm not one to create opportunities for myself and it's something I had noticed. I am rather lenient and passive in that prospect and always tend to "let things be" and thereof. There will come times when things will be awfully mundane and it will be the chance for me to be the element of change. However, I usually wait for opportunities to come to me in order to act.. thus I remain a thoroughly reactive person.

I must admit I'm not working hard and I'm sure if I tried harder, my life would never be like that. Perhaps if I resisted just a little bit more, and used some tactfulness to convince those around me to give their consent to live my life, it would have been different. I need to work on that, but I'm so uninspired to resist and fight harder especially that I've got some issues disturbing my mental clarity and t's rather inexorable to discern whether the life I want to live is truly what I need or not. 

I need some time to readjust things. Stress is gnawing and leaving my health in quite a chaotic state. It's been ten months of chronic stress and anxiety which fluctuated timely and to be honest, I've had enough. I need a break. I need to rewind. I need to stop hearing those hurtful words that kill me and inflict a pain boundless and awfully tormenting. Im going to live those couple of days in mourning, enjoying the tears I shed at night, watching myself become irritable and isolated. It's okay. I'm not a machine; even machines need some maintenance. God understands, I'm sure. My ego tells me that it's okay to break down and be weak while my soul refuses that and advises me to keep fighting and struggling but perhaps next time, dear soul. Perhaps next year I'll be stronger and more tolerable. 
It's okay. I'm human. 

Comments

  1. Haphazard Evolution11/06/2017, 17:51

    I think I'm similar when it comes to the "passiveness". I rarely ever take initiative for something I know might be important to me. I definitely have to work on that.
    I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I hope better times are coming towards you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Soraya12/06/2017, 08:00

      I think it's okay to be passive if that's who you are, it's how your personality is and sometimes, it fits you really well. Sometimes passiveness allows us to be easy-going, and helps us interpret decisions taking a longer time.. it might not be a good thing sometimes, i assure you, but we have to make the best of our character. It's okay to honour your passiveness if you utilise it in the best way. :)
      Thank you so much for your concerns, and yes better times are coming and I'm sure of it. I trust the universe a lot regarding this matter. :)

      Delete

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