a daylight dream

  it had been a week of beautiful happenings, gratitude and a serene tuning to the grace that envelops the world. but there are nights like tonight, when I’m tossing and turning miserably, those memories surging through me, leaving me with every loose detail complicating itself as my mind turns to watch them float away. the memories are still there, and they do hurt. they remind me of the guilt and shame I feel being human. the curiosity about if   I should have endured a little bit more rather than take things to my own hands. the shame in wanting to have needed love so desperately, and hope and a glimpse of light in my days. my therapist tells me that all my dearest victories were only coping mechanisms, she tells me I’ve burned myself to the extreme. she talks now of ordinary days, where victories are not so abundant. I feel my complexion dampen and turn grey, missing and longing for the thrill of being the best I could be, transmuting my darkness to that secret belief that...

  i'm thinking about starting a series on this blog to take note of those moments when a few positive highlights stream through my mind, transforming my day. I would call them epiphanies, but they're not exactly that. they're little, simple notions imbued with a hint of gratitude. I would love to look back and go through this blog remembering them, realising how a few of those moments eventually snowball to change one's mindset and allow healing to take place. so, here are little throughts worthy of sharing that bubbled through me today. there's something stunningly beautiful in allowing oneself to rest without guilt. I wonder if being ill so often is teaching me that. miraculous things happen when we don't plan for them. since I'm weak and ill, I didn't plan to go for my daily walk today. however, by the afternoon, I decided to smell some fresh air, especially that the sun came out for a little while. my gift for embracing the unexpected was seeing the ...

  I go on long walks now, trying to ease the pain. however, they mostly always make it worse. the moment I get in touch with myself, I find myself crying in the streets, hoping someone could approach me so that I can feel less alone. the pain is unbearably isolating, unfortunately. despite wanting to write about my struggles more often, I find myself ashamed. I am overwhelmed by how I cannot find my strength in spite of surviving even tougher times. I struggle with finding my sense of identity most of all nowadays. I look everywhere, into all of my visions and goals, and I don’t find myself. I don’t know who I am supposed to be. being ‘needed’ in the household and the addiction of always being the provider of emotional supply was a hallmark of my identity back then. I   was always needed. but now, I am needed as a whole person, not a source of fuel for never-ending abuse. it’s really hard navigating the turbulence in this journey: the compromised immune system, existential cri...

those days are heavy on my heart. a constant resistance to that uncanny feeling of grieving something I am not even sure I am aware of. there’s this loss of something profound, living in the unknown and plunging myself into valleys of hope every single day, just to be failed by their condescending stillness. I’m not sure why I’m sad, but it’s like I’ve lost myself. it’s like I’m grieving the loss of the life I’ve always known. sitting down by the tombstones of my coping mechanisms that don’t make sense in my world now. feeling the suffering of not having something to worry about or be scared of. they say that depression comes to show us what we’ve been repressing all along, a slowly-brewed suffering ripening. my mind keeps finding ways to resist this sadness and change its ways.  my soul tells me to feel it, to be it. my sadness is relentlessly self-sabotaging, isolating and it knows exactly how to constrict the universe into a set of known routines and familiar sounds. it validat...

  It’s a new paradigm for me, finding God in gratitude. that used to be a supplement, perhaps the darkness made it much easier to find a glimmer of light in the skies of dawn. now that light is abound, how do I find that particularly special guiding radiance? it is some skill I’m learning— uncovering layer upon layer of God’s presence in the blessings I’m dipped in. the light of God has become an ocean I’m lost in— all those blessings? all those little moments of the day I have always dreamed of? all this love, all the beauty of home, it’s here between my fingers. and still, I am not used to seeing without turning the lights off. however, I am aware how that this is now my mission: unconditional gratitude. being grateful without expecting anything in return. before, I used to feel the pain of my sufferings coated by the mild sweetness of my blessings. now, the sweetness of gratitude is not that profound. it has no balmy sensation for my heart is at ease. I see now that indeed, I ne...

 I am going to try and be seriously strict with my monthly reflections. I remember how years ago, this was one ritual that allowed me to feel grounded and centred, committed to growing every time-bound journey. I daresay that getting myself into the habit of being introspectively eager in witnessing my development would do wonders for the strength of my soul. October was quite challenging, honestly. September was much more fleeting and beautifully filled with milestones. I was tempted and put into trials a few times, which made me feel undeniably exhausted to get back on track. yet reflections such as those sprout gratitude in me, making me realise that there had been seedlings of intentions all along. autumnal wonders it is my first time ever to witness an autumn in Europe, which is heavenly. of course, the gloomy days are ever so dark and sombre, but they are also lovely in their way of making me rejoice in glory the moment the sun comes up and reveals the stark beauty of all tho...

back from a little wander in one of the most beautiful cities in the entire world, I reflect on how I relished the change, being out of my head. on that enrapturing trip, I realised one thing. being free has allowed me to experience being a child again. an actual child, not the starry-eyed phase. a child that contains so much misunderstanding, inability to communicate and self-centredness. it is not exactly something I like, for my mood turns too quickly for me to deem it safe to lead an actual ‘ordinary’ life. a year ago, I was an adult, navigating challenges in earnest, with such striking stoicism. now, the littlest change in plans may set me up to sabotage a day. I do not exactly know what is happening, but life on the other side is wildly different than what I thought life would be. there are far too many temptations which makes me pray for a day in my past life, where I had it all under control. there are too many variables, too many choices and the mere responsibility of taking c...

you bombard my dreams lately, revolving around me like you’ve lost your orbit. in every dream, I ask you stop. I drop your hand. I ask you to carve your way as you look at me, always washed towards the sea while I find my path on the earthen roads, surrounded by tokens that remind me of my earthly mission I wake up, my mind in disarray. forgetting you has lifted so much guilt and veils that have stopped me from living in the moment. remembering you for some time always makes me realise we were never meant for each other. because even in those dreams, I am pushing you away from having one last moment together. it hasn’t been seamless, finding my path in this stillness and quiet. the chaos that ignites my passion has no place in my horizon for some time. the serenity of the world before me pulls my heart into loneliness and emptied insides, longing for a thrill. but those longings soon change and transform themselves to a beckoning stillness that allows me to find my light. stay in your ...

these days, I am learning more about the purification of the human ‘self’, which is naturally inclined to attach itself to fleeting desires and infatuates itself with lessening qualities which demote its existence. today, I came across the reasons why listening to certain types of songs should be discouraged, as they allow us to become infatuated with our desires, channeling them to crave what is not accessible to us in the moment. upon reflection, I realised that my writing has done the very same thing, in some ways. some time ago, I used to write too much about my dreams of love, exercising my imaginative power, directing my creative energy somewhere instead of feeling it bubbling inside me aimlessly. reading those words now, I realise how wildly entrancing those imaginings were, and if anyone read them, they would be teleported into a world of desires being fulfilled, captivating the senses with too much to feel. I believe that taking it too far has even allowed this to happen, and ...

it’s been some time, I know. but I have been taking some moments off my life to simply dedicate my ‘self’ to betterment and expansion. it all started with a daily ritual of holding a book in my hands in the early, slowly unfolding autumn morning, progressing to meeting more people, exploring different places and doing much more on that disciplining to-do list of mine. it was quite beautiful and I enjoyed every single day of those few weeks. however, the days are getting hazardously shorter now and the long nights pull me to melancholic walks under the metropolitan street lights. I keep reflecting upon what it is I envision for myself, some kind of new goal to tread towards, but I find nothing tangible. I find nothing truly gratifying but being closer . you see, my compass these days is to take decision that will not make me feel regret in the long-term. despite being in a very rough personal situation, I chose to get married. there were a few moments where I believed I would spend my w...