October's summits.

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 I am going to try and be seriously strict with my monthly reflections. I remember how years ago, this was one ritual that allowed me to feel grounded and centred, committed to growing every time-bound journey. I daresay that getting myself into the habit of being introspectively eager in witnessing my development would do wonders for the strength of my soul.

October was quite challenging, honestly. September was much more fleeting and beautifully filled with milestones. I was tempted and put into trials a few times, which made me feel undeniably exhausted to get back on track. yet reflections such as those sprout gratitude in me, making me realise that there had been seedlings of intentions all along.


autumnal wonders



it is my first time ever to witness an autumn in Europe, which is heavenly. of course, the gloomy days are ever so dark and sombre, but they are also lovely in their way of making me rejoice in glory the moment the sun comes up and reveals the stark beauty of all those colourful leaves. it is truly heaven on earth, seeing those trees glamorise and romanticise their dying. I used to think that those shorter, colder days would be haunting to my soul, but there is a hidden secret beauty in them, subhanAllah. a proof of that beauty is my step count, which has exceeded 20,000 steps more than a few times already. I’m also a lover of cold air, so evening walks were truly healing. 


my body’s plea for attention



what made October challenging was my body’s plea for help. I got recurrent UTIs which made me complete a few rounds of antibiotics that depleted my energy for a week or so. the UTIs were also painful and draining, which alerted me to the fact that I haven’t been eating well for a couple of months. being responsible for myself has showed me how much I do not care about my own health, despite calling myself a healthy person before. I run the whole day on multiple cups of coffee and a few breadsticks to find myself craving chocolate at night. my immunity system therefore crashed with the approaching colder weather, and honestly, it is a logical response. I tried my best to rearrange my motives a few days, but I haven’t been committed, but I shall never stop trying.


piano lessons



I have started my second round of piano lessons and they have been a great joy. of course, my piano instructor is an angel on earth and seeing her truly brightens my day. her soul sincerely glistens, making my heart speak after it being so low tuned most of the day. I am also getting better, learning at a faster pace and even starting to enjoy the pleasure of playing my favourite songs. I know for sure it is a hobby worth continuing before I invest in an acoustic guitar, probably next year.


paris



the highlight of October was probably PARIS. it is somewhere else. an open museum, a romantic getaway that fills the heart with abundant beauty and love for humanity. I am grateful for planning this trip ardently and having it turn out ever so charmingly for my dear and loving husband’s birthday. and of course, it was a dream come true. I have dreamed of going to Paris with him ever since I was eighteen, so having it come true made me revisit my earnest act of daydreaming and the miracle of having them come true.


trying, again



unfortunately though, my October ended with a severe wave of depression where I cried almost everyday and pushed love away so harshly. I would spend the whole day on the couch doing the bare minimum, only to find myself bursting in tears any moment I touched a grounded moment with myself. my self-hate was depressive and pathological, just because of a simple trigger. however, it pushed me towards seeing a therapist again and by the end of the week, I was able to push myself to go for a run, which brought my brain back in order. but it seems I am facing a little too many difficult thoughts and I have the labour of purging all those emotions I never felt back then. but I am trying. I hope my way is forever adorned with gratitude.


in November, I truly pray for gratitude. I pray to feel gratitude soak my bones. also, I dream of feeling at peace and serene experiencing the stillness of life and having more time on my own. I pray to push myself to do sports everyday and try swimming every once in a while. I intend to take steps towards healing my soul and finding its strengths against the temptations of my ‘nafs’ which keeps pulling me away from God’s love. 


in November, I pray for life-shifting forgiveness.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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