what am I grieving?

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those days are heavy on my heart. a constant resistance to that uncanny feeling of grieving something I am not even sure I am aware of. there’s this loss of something profound, living in the unknown and plunging myself into valleys of hope every single day, just to be failed by their condescending stillness.


I’m not sure why I’m sad, but it’s like I’ve lost myself. it’s like I’m grieving the loss of the life I’ve always known. sitting down by the tombstones of my coping mechanisms that don’t make sense in my world now. feeling the suffering of not having something to worry about or be scared of. they say that depression comes to show us what we’ve been repressing all along, a slowly-brewed suffering ripening. my mind keeps finding ways to resist this sadness and change its ways. 


my soul tells me to feel it, to be it.


my sadness is relentlessly self-sabotaging, isolating and it knows exactly how to constrict the universe into a set of known routines and familiar sounds. it validates my sadness then makes me feel bad for it. it’s a never-ending cycle of different ways to feel the gloom crippling my soul.


listening closely, I am asked to surrender to this phase and allow it to be. I am slowly nudged to listen well to how I am feeling and respect that I do need this pit of darkness  and have faith that the person who will emerge will also be beautiful, filled with light and innocence. 


it makes sense that my heart is surrounded by barricades. it refuses to feel even a glimpse of gratitude. all it needs is to ease itself into this phase of sojourn melodies and soothe its resistance to trying harder, for what is there to try harder for? especially that the only answer is through this wave, not above it.


I remind myself to surrender. surrender to how I feel. surrender to how my heart wishes to see God and the world right now, ever so far away. surrender to God’s embrace, which requires an authentic faith sprouting deeply from my bones. and my faith now is nothing like it was, but it sees the miracle in this sadness. and it still believes that nothing exists for mere existence. the sheer beingness of a state is the miracle itself.


I remind myself to revere this sadness and allow it to soak me without fear. it will soon makes sense.


I pray I learn to see God through the darkness as the light of His miracles.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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