repenting my writing gifts.

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these days, I am learning more about the purification of the human ‘self’, which is naturally inclined to attach itself to fleeting desires and infatuates itself with lessening qualities which demote its existence. today, I came across the reasons why listening to certain types of songs should be discouraged, as they allow us to become infatuated with our desires, channeling them to crave what is not accessible to us in the moment. upon reflection, I realised that my writing has done the very same thing, in some ways.

some time ago, I used to write too much about my dreams of love, exercising my imaginative power, directing my creative energy somewhere instead of feeling it bubbling inside me aimlessly. reading those words now, I realise how wildly entrancing those imaginings were, and if anyone read them, they would be teleported into a world of desires being fulfilled, captivating the senses with too much to feel. I believe that taking it too far has even allowed this to happen, and I have seen it happen before me.


though indifferent at that time, I repent the intention behind my writings. I forgive myself for not knowing the true impact of reading those stories and fantasies, which even our prophet (pbuh) made us aware of. stories and poetry are magical and they could entrap people to believe what they are not meant to believe in the present moment, and allow us to become attached to unreal destinies.


I am still fantastical, and I am healing from that emotional intensity. I am surrendering that chaos and softening it with being in the present moment, attending to gratitude and utilising God’s gifts and allowing them to be expressed through me.


I still dream, for sure. I still do expect magic in my days, which sometimes drives me to sickening perfectionism and stubborn ungratefulness. I confess that I am learning to let that go. I do not need that toxic idealism in my life anymore, especially that everything beautiful is around me right here and right now. every reflection points me towards how grounding is important to heal, to stay in this world, to live and feel God’s blessings. 


I hope God forgives me, and I dream and pray that my words find a different path that lightens heavy hearts and burdened souls. 

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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