closer.

it’s been some time, I know. but I have been taking some moments off my life to simply dedicate my ‘self’ to betterment and expansion. it all started with a daily ritual of holding a book in my hands in the early, slowly unfolding autumn morning, progressing to meeting more people, exploring different places and doing much more on that disciplining to-do list of mine.

it was quite beautiful and I enjoyed every single day of those few weeks. however, the days are getting hazardously shorter now and the long nights pull me to melancholic walks under the metropolitan street lights. I keep reflecting upon what it is I envision for myself, some kind of new goal to tread towards, but I find nothing tangible. I find nothing truly gratifying but being closer.

you see, my compass these days is to take decision that will not make me feel regret in the long-term. despite being in a very rough personal situation, I chose to get married. there were a few moments where I believed I would spend my whole life alone in self-sacrifice, dedicating every moment for my learners. but I knew, in some twenty years or so, that would be a decision that would make me feel regret. now, I face those thoughts where I do not want to be a mother in fear of me messing up the whole process of bearing and experience beingness with a child, but then I know that is a decision I shall, too, regret.

that being said, there is one decision that keeps drawing an echoing soft, angelic voice. it wants me to be closer to Him. it begets upon me the most revealing and enlightening visuals, and nothing in my life makes sense without this closeness. it all feels like ash sometimes, just as it did this evening’s walk, where I found that all of my doings feel so temporary, so enclosed in the fist of my hand and when their time is done, they are just gone.

being close, I visualise the horizons lit up in my eyes. I see my relaxed, fragile body and softened, loving heart. being close, I can see my decisions so easy to make, for they all point me to what brings upon further closeness and dimming distances between Him and this longing heart of mine.

being more independent and responsible now, I always feel like I am not enough. I can see my flaws so clearly, the way I escape my shortcomings instead of facing them. I can see my moodiness and flexible endurance of extreme emotions. I can see the hindrances of being too sensitive and perceptive. I can see how I need to craft an inner world to feel safe ever so often, just to see it tumble down when I discover the need for a new mountain to climb.

but being close coats me in His light. it coats me in safety that my soul returns to Him in all changing times and I am free from the derailing trajectories of being so frailly human. alas, it is my role to be this human, but I wish for closeness, so that I have an innate self-direction towards His name, His shelter, His love.

it is the only thing I truly dream of every time my heart is alive.