it's still in me.

 

it had been a week of beautiful happenings, gratitude and a serene tuning to the grace that envelops the world. but there are nights like tonight, when I’m tossing and turning miserably, those memories surging through me, leaving me with every loose detail complicating itself as my mind turns to watch them float away.

the memories are still there, and they do hurt. they remind me of the guilt and shame I feel being human. the curiosity about if  I should have endured a little bit more rather than take things to my own hands. the shame in wanting to have needed love so desperately, and hope and a glimpse of light in my days.

my therapist tells me that all my dearest victories were only coping mechanisms, she tells me I’ve burned myself to the extreme. she talks now of ordinary days, where victories are not so abundant. I feel my complexion dampen and turn grey, missing and longing for the thrill of being the best I could be, transmuting my darkness to that secret belief that I could actually become an angel.

I feel betrayed, that all my memories were memories I shouldn’t have had. my sweetest moments were ones that suppressed so much pain, and I foolishly thought they were breakthroughs. it’s quite cunning how far we could go to deny how we really feel deep inside.

looking back, I tremble at how I was always the hardest worker in the room, always the one with the most passion and enthusiasm, always the one with the sweetest morsel of wisdom to say. I thought it was how it would always be, and now I can see that it was all just masking something I didn’t have the courage to feel.

I feel so much grief.. as I heal, I won’t have those moments ever again. I’ll be laced in the ordinary, blending in the background, not having any secrets to get me through my intense need to be perfect.

oh God, I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to lose the gifts of loving You and return to the forgetfulness of this world. I pray I can find you, still, and feel the sacredness that kept me alive.