a daylight dream

  I used to be in love with one who chose the solitude of graceful silence. a gaze vacant of everything but the shimmering liveliness of celestial light. one who held it in reverent intimacy, who lied on the grass in restful contemplation and watched the complications of the constellations of mind glimmer in brokenness before them. near light, when the sky awakens from its dimness, it’s him I remember. it’s him I see in every cloud and field. it’s all over now. still, some things just never leave. I wonder if it was love all the time. I wonder what it all meant, what we understood in one timeless gaze. I wonder where this oneness came from, and why I trembled in his remembrance, the enormity of being held like this, unmatched. perhaps in another eternal lifetime, this love. perhaps it would be different. nothing there would pull us apart. it would be a mirror of you in mine, an infinite kaleidoscope. perhaps the earthliness of this world has never known a love like ours. at least k...

days have been ordinary. I've replaced my longing for magic and splendour with a calm appreciation for sweet nothings. afternoons spent in the living room filled with distractions, and not an uninterrupted twenty minutes of time to read a book or focus on something most people would say, important . surely, it feels that an essential part of who I am is missing. it is quite natural for me to disappear vacantly into a cocoon of vehement contemplation, dimming the outside just to see the scintillating sparks of realisation within. yet, I see that time had been wasted on ideas that no longer have their place in the present moment. even the love that burst so intimately is washing itself away with the waves of time stealing all that has been.  my sister says I'm more fun to be around now. maybe she's right. maybe I've forsaken the propensity to drown into the waves of subtlety to be here more often, in relaxed calmness and an unresisting disposition. watching movies, sippin...

today, I turn twenty-five. there's so much to say about everything that has happened this year and now that I come to reflect, I find that it has been a year of so much build-up, and quite unexpectedly, breakdown. it was tumultuous, tricky and inexplicably transformative in that way. a year of making so many mistakes, failing at most of my endeavours just to know the truest cause. despite its turbulent nature, I am grateful for my twenty-fourth year and what it has taught me, and I am ready to unpack all the lessons in time. I feel that all my twenty-fourth year prepared me for what is to come; to the point where I can make newer intentions based on what I had learned. I feel I've changed, not sure for better or for worse, but some sacrifices had been made. some trade-offs have been encouraged to serve the purpose of wholeness. some dreams are being replaced with more grounded ones, instead of those that are lofty, sky-high and rather mountainously unattainable. energy is being...

leaving my twenty-fourth year behind, here are twenty-four lessons I have learned. some were easy to learn: wistfully passing by a conscious heart. others were terribly painful and recurring. gratitude coats both experiences in reverent contemplation and equanimity. :) -1-  in most evolutionary steps we take in our lives, it is essential that we have a guide or a mentor. inspiration is beautiful and it may lead us daringly; however, guidance is a confirmation. it is important to have someone that we rely on, someone wise, knowledgeable, caring and loving who would take our hand and point us to where we need to go. depending on our minds solely does not always leave us whole. -2- follow a path of ease, but make sure it still is a mountain. when we overexert ourselves with so much stress willingly, it does not build our resilience, it makes us tired, exhausted and unable to move towards ideals we truly believe in. making a path challenging and beyond our comfort zone is a choice th...

. that seems to be the case, most of the time. most of the things I deeply long for are out of reach, celestially embedded in the metaphorical dance between the light and the hidden darkness in between. I know— the undying embrace, the in-betweenness of merging into one another, the solace in togetherness. those are finalities no one would dare to chase. but I’ll never learn how to stop climbing. this mountain is endless, and the peak is inevitably out of reach. and if I move forward one time, then it is that I saw yet another horizon in this heart’s eye. one more honest zenith to commit to, before there’s an eternity worth chasing for. there are some mountains I know I can’t climb here on earthly terrains. they’re built out of stardust and timeless tunes that harness its composition in my visions. and so I keep them for that infinite time, when there’s nothing left to resist. but as long as I’m here, there’s a mission, a purpose . there are obstacles one bends to in utter, broken limi...

having it gone feels like a weight lifted off my wings. a heart that never hurt from hurting in poetic fancies and reveries can finally breathe in the ache of not longing enough— the ink of your presence dissolving into mine, until it becomes but an ancient memory in between the lines. wasn’t it but a clandestine love? wasn’t it me sneaking off at dawn, Venus-light, spring dew coating my dress— waiting for you. all the morning skies we captured and treasured in this town are but anomalies we illicitly hide, foreign symbols so cryptic and wordless.  there isn't a single picture of your face in any of this. it weaves into everything else, just like that. I sat there helplessly trying to find the words to describe what it’s been for my heart, only arriving to the love that coats the entire universe ever so silently delicately. who were you? why are you but a cloud now, colossally bewitching the royal blueness of my sky, vanishing with the burst of summer sunlight. when the day begins,...

the sweetness of June: an inscrutable, gentle flow of golden honey-like moments symbolising truths and coated with a geniality so filled with ease. it wasn't like I was used to; the truth behind certain incidents spiralling into my chest viciously, making it hurt for so long. this time, it was filled with softness, presence and so much time for contemplation and signs. it was in the end, a series of moments in serene timelessness. an empowering responsibility emerging in June was the mindset to take responsibility for my choices and my actions. it was a whirlpool of a year for me with so many events, responsibilities and ongoing projects that demanded my dedication and attention. it was a little hard for my heart to take responsibility for the consequences of my choices and at times, when things went wrong awhile, instead of mindfully taking time to contemplate and see the reasons, I would simply surrender to things not working out. in the space that time creates, this June, I arri...

  I wake, your face a shoreline gold. the sun has risen to your closed eyes once more, a memory of melancholic truthfulness, given the eternity I spent traversing the maps of your distant gaze. there's this thing about us; a push and pull of titanic tides and dreams of watching moonlight glowing across horizons of our dreamscapes. I like that you're tailoring time just for me. just for this love to stretch its droplets of colour on the canvas of this aloneness we're sharing for some years. just you and me; a sacred touch, a gentle gaze, the intensity a propeller of all the sweetness in the hearts that have never known but to envision something different than what they're used to. I find it divinely honouring that there is nothing you come home to but this heart. you look into my eyes to find lost pieces of yourself; the brokenness shards of glass so invisible that it is only mine to see. in wordlessness, all we have is this space of unbroken gazes and all the unanswered...

you’d think of me bidding you farewell just a bad dream. spinning around, your face pale and your eyes sunken in sorrow. a mountain of grief. the peak collapsing after the ascent. your lips shaking with heart songs you never had the courage to say, here they are fading away. a goodbye. a long, sweet sojourn at the memories before they’re folded in compartments of our smiling eyes. I ask you now if it was love. I ask my heart whether I only loved how you made me feel: the contrast between us, the compass in my gaze. I ask myself if I only loved how I looked in your eyes. I ask whether it was through the lens of healing that I could see you, for without it, you’re but a figment of a dream in girlhood that can wistfully pass. we have said the wrong things, perhaps. the same mistakes. I remember wanting to move on past you, and I remember you holding me back. was it my fear or yours, or was it us both ? the words are pain-laden. was I but a bright star you were infatuated by and could neve...

I stand before you, tall and strong, golden eyes that saw the bewildering waves to my toes. I stand before you, the gears of my dreams, the propeller of my wheels. one look into your eyes and I’m leaping into those oceans of infinite first sights. I don’t know what to say to you. three times into my heart and I locked you out. the piercing hurt in your eyes sees mine, falling into the softest pillows of apologies. perhaps I was too afraid to surrender to these oceans of insurmountable passion. this unlimitedness in your soul. one step closer to love and I feel I might as well venture there to get a glimpse of it. is it a little too late to trust me again? or should I remind you of the warmth that arises from being in each other’s presence? the bubbling light streaming from ethereal knowing that you’re the compass. I remind you of all the dreams on display once you see my eyes. I remind you of that one soul you’d do everything for, in servitude, just for the grateful glimmer in my eyes....