was it love?

you’d think of me bidding you farewell just a bad dream. spinning around, your face pale and your eyes sunken in sorrow. a mountain of grief. the peak collapsing after the ascent.

your lips shaking with heart songs you never had the courage to say, here they are fading away. a goodbye. a long, sweet sojourn at the memories before they’re folded in compartments of our smiling eyes.

I ask you now if it was love. I ask my heart whether I only loved how you made me feel: the contrast between us, the compass in my gaze. I ask myself if I only loved how I looked in your eyes. I ask whether it was through the lens of healing that I could see you, for without it, you’re but a figment of a dream in girlhood that can wistfully pass.

we have said the wrong things, perhaps. the same mistakes. I remember wanting to move on past you, and I remember you holding me back. was it my fear or yours, or was it us both?

the words are pain-laden. was I but a bright star you were infatuated by and could never hold? I did dearly love your gardens, and I did wish to have my wings resting by your side. but how could I when I am gifted with skyscapes to dream away and horizons to fade to? how could I when I could only rest on mountain peaks and dissolve into lights only stronger than my own...

out of reach, I leave you be, my dear. sweetness coats our memories. but, it is now a separate you and me. navigating the storms of healing with you and the rains, but now that the sun is here, we see our destined ways.

thank you for not holding my hand. your heart knew we’d tire each other being the way we are. and now it is my gift to give you— letting go.

I beg you to let me go this time.