june: moments in timeless time.

the sweetness of June: an inscrutable, gentle flow of golden honey-like moments symbolising truths and coated with a geniality so filled with ease. it wasn't like I was used to; the truth behind certain incidents spiralling into my chest viciously, making it hurt for so long. this time, it was filled with softness, presence and so much time for contemplation and signs. it was in the end, a series of moments in serene timelessness.

an empowering responsibility

emerging in June was the mindset to take responsibility for my choices and my actions. it was a whirlpool of a year for me with so many events, responsibilities and ongoing projects that demanded my dedication and attention. it was a little hard for my heart to take responsibility for the consequences of my choices and at times, when things went wrong awhile, instead of mindfully taking time to contemplate and see the reasons, I would simply surrender to things not working out. in the space that time creates, this June, I arrived at a realisation that things are much simpler than I thought them to be. 

I was empowered with the mindfulness that allowed me to think deeply about the consequences of my choices and, more essentially, my perspectives. sometimes, we allow ourselves to see things from angles which are entirely personal and subjective. in honesty, one can see things objectively and somehow let go of what is not of service. I found that I was clinging to subjective truths so tightly when in reality, it was not what I thought it was.

slowly and all at once, I found myself taking responsibility for my life after I had been tossing myself to waves of imposed beliefs. a simple example is perhaps my gut health, which I thought would be a lifelong turmoil I would always have to deal with, believing that it was the manifestation of past experiences and emotional scars. however, I snapped out of this belief and simply took steps to heal. I was amused and also humorously surprised by the improvement, which made me laugh at how I have wasted so much of my time in hurt when I could have simply taken responsibility.

another thing I took responsibility for is perhaps, my future. I took so much time to look into my values and what I truly feel I was made for. of course, these kinds of outlooks are treacherous for you can never know what is in store for you in time. however, I could not help but feel like I needed to invest in my dreams more sincerely and what emerged was that some of my actions and choices did not align with the visions I have, or demand to have, to be of service in this world. it truly changed everything. blessedly, I do feel at peace with how I've restructured some of my priorities. it feels like I do not need to be always running around.

can my mind be a home?

now, I have always been an overthinker, deliberately thinking through all the big pictures. when I am truly invested in a certain issue, my mind just does not stop unless it is dealt with and the most holistic perspective is formed. sleepless nights tailored with conversations and worst-case scenarios are just an ordinary occurrence when there is a sort of dilemma that demands a pristine viewpoint. when it gets too much to bear, I often find myself shutting my mind down and relying on my feelings, doing the right thing momentarily, and leaving my mind to do the work in my incessant reflections and reveries.

yet, as my adult life grows in complexity and one needs to make certain decisions, I find that I cannot always rely on my intuition, especially at times when there is no gut feeling to listen to. it takes wisdom to do so and an amalgamation of experiences to allow the heart to truly feel sure about choosing a pathway. in the end, our minds are miraculous gifts and in June, I returned to my mind in some areas, finding that deep thinking into the paradoxes and calculating the possibilities of something working out was relieving. paralleled with a stream of surrender, I found amity in doing my part and letting go of the unknowns, trusting that life begets life, always.

June left me with a longing to use my mind with grace, empowering myself to learn, reflect and have intellectual, logical conversations about certain issues. I am determined to make my mind a home: peaceful, joyful and coated in paint that inspires and evolves reality into beautiful narratives that make harmonious meanings. perhaps it is a cage, but with deliberate engineering and design, it can be made a home.

a path of unmet excellence

this month was filled with minty-fresh visions, coloured in wintry green and blue. I searched all the shades for a pattern and I saw a desire to begin a path of perpetual excellence. excellence is quite different from perfection. somehow, excellence dwells in the joyous vibration of one's doing; the deliberate intention, the details carefully crafted, the mistakes cared for like little children longing to be nurtured. it came like a revelation, for I've been cooped up in a result-oriented, perfectionist mindset for some time. excellence is what I missed and it is so sweetly alluring to remind myself of it as I am writing this. this June recaptured my spirit and laced it in dreams of attaining excellence, professionalism and graceful poise for the next steps in my life. so, I spent those last few days working quite tranquilly, taking my time, meeting the untied threads of my highest self.

alas, it is July now. a month in which I had intended to experience a oneness with life. oneness with all parts of myself, my family, my dreams and aligning my heart to a Oneness indescribably wordless. and too, that is surrendered.