twenty-five.

today, I turn twenty-five. there's so much to say about everything that has happened this year and now that I come to reflect, I find that it has been a year of so much build-up, and quite unexpectedly, breakdown. it was tumultuous, tricky and inexplicably transformative in that way. a year of making so many mistakes, failing at most of my endeavours just to know the truest cause. despite its turbulent nature, I am grateful for my twenty-fourth year and what it has taught me, and I am ready to unpack all the lessons in time.

I feel that all my twenty-fourth year prepared me for what is to come; to the point where I can make newer intentions based on what I had learned. I feel I've changed, not sure for better or for worse, but some sacrifices had been made. some trade-offs have been encouraged to serve the purpose of wholeness. some dreams are being replaced with more grounded ones, instead of those that are lofty, sky-high and rather mountainously unattainable. energy is being reserved and directed towards more beautiful ideals that are both miraculously intentional and, they're in my hands.

here are some intentions for my twenty-fifth year, and a part of me cannot believe I have grown so much. it still feels like being a child in many ways and still, so much of who I was hasn't changed. the essence is still here. a rosy, pale-blue aura of values I've always wanted to embrace.

- a year to honour myself -

I feel like I need to leave those years of low self-confidence behind and garden myself with encouraging, positive and affirmative thoughts that align me with my potential. looking back, I can see that I've always been my own worst enemy, my harshest critic and the keenest mistake-hunter. it has hurt me so much to compare myself to everyone else, always on the lookout for how people just do things naturally better than I do. since the start of the summer, I have practised being kinder towards my abilities and giving myself a boost of confidence and self-esteem through my beliefs and how I choose to hold myself. it's been softer, kinder and more flowy this way.

I think it all comes down to feeling secure within oneself, and I've noticed that when I do feel confident, I am able to take on challenges more gracefully, navigating the uncertainty with more ease and rationality without having to waste so much of my energy blaming myself, loading my mind with worst-case scenarios and taking myself down with every little failure. supposedly, I will be having more challenging projects to work on the next season of my teaching career, and so I feel there is no option but to believe in my potential, to use my talents and energy creatively and wisely so that I am of service to the ones around me and experience this otherwordly love and divine support in all ways imaginable.

in adulthood, I feel it deeply that we all have the responsibility to treat our lives with utmost kindness and respect, to make decisions and choose wisely. yes, sometimes we cannot have everything we wish for evenly and sacrifices are inevitable. but, I believe we should not choose sacrifices that hurt us or disrespect our highest selves. we need not settle for options that are incredibly painful when there is something that can be done to finely tune those choices so that we do not hurt parts of ourselves that allow us to be beautiful people, more connected, more loving and at peace.

another way I pray to honour myself is to experience closeness with God. the relaxation that arises from being held, feeling safe, loved and nurtured by being close to the Truth. I often lose tranquility by depending too much on myself, unwilling to surrender the flow of things to God. I need to learn to trust more, to receive more and soften myself with a meditative peace that allows me to breathe deeply and simply let go and believe. I've noticed how unsettled and penetrable my faith is. I intend for this heart to grow in that kind of unwavering love. 

- a year to experience groundedness -

as I mature, I do expect to tame my emotions a little bit. you know me, my heart is an ocean. it fills itself quite surreally with universal truths laced by bewitching emotions that run me to the farthest shores. however, I can be a little unstable, discontent, fearful and melancholic with that kind of extremity. someone dear to me has recently told me that I'm either everything or nothing: a distant emptiness in between. I do confess that my feelings make me feel out of place all the time, and my fantasies disillusion me so well with their lose threads of unfinished narratives. I do intend to make my emotions merely guests that I listen to briefly, but never allow them to linger more than they need to. my emotions are not here to manipulate me; they are merely little reactions or signals, vibrations in stillness that mean something, but do not have to dictate my actions or choices. 

I have already begun my journey to ground my feelings whenever I feel so highly strung. through calmness, presence and stillness, my skies clear and I can see what is in my hands to do instead of pining for the furthest horizon. I do believe that my adult self needs more of this groundedness to experience life more wholly. I can imagine the beauty of being grounded, softening my eyes with a healing wisdom that sees clearly and accepts where life takes me with ease.

- a year to experience mastery - 

now comes something that touches upon my professional life. the past three years have truly showered me with abundant gifts. gifts of ease, love and effortlessness that turned my life around and allowed me to believe so daringly in unlimited ways of evolving systems around me. yet, I might have gotten used to those gifts that I forgot it is essential to keep doing my part, too. these few months have taught me that. now, in my twenty-fifth year, I intend to work more consciously, pouring in mastery in every step of the process. that involves improving my plans, tinkering with the process of work gets done and painting my service with creativity and love. knowledge, intuition, communication and wisdom are all important weavers in crafting that intention, and most importantly, consciousness and presence.

I truly dream of becoming a passionate master at what I do. grounded, agile, flexible, wise and intuitive, I pray to put in the effort to transform my practice to one that changes lives, rippling out waves of self-realisation and bonds with souls who are unconditionally loving. a soulful wisp of evolution that I meet in infinite dimensions just to know I was truly alive in this world. a kind of mastery I pray lives longer than I do.

- a year of loving, intimate balance - 

in the end, I pray that my twenty-fifth year is one of intimacy, love and balance. will I finally heal that brokenness within me that urges my heart to lose balance when I need it most? I am yearning to stand in stillness despite the waves of turbulence getting thrown at me from everything that hurts me. I keep losing so much, especially all those distant dreams that I hold sacredly in my soul. my life does not have to be complete all the time, it does not need to be charged by those wistful dreams and fantasies every single moment. it is always enough to have a glimpse of this magic, but I need not throw myself off the ledge this much. it is beautiful in the ordinary. this love is alive, even in the temporariness of it all.

I intend to mature with beauty and grace with the light of God's love and gratitude a sun-like gleam in my eyes. I've lived a quarter of a century already, and I feel it in me to softly and gracefully climb those mountains of ideals with passion and intimacy. I intend to evolve past the limitations of my past, all that hurts me, and all that I have lost, especially dreams that meant so dearly. I pray to witness this ordinariness with gratitude that wells in my eyes with a palpable love that gives itself away. 

may I never lose these prayers and infinite gratitude.