a daylight dream

I would have called myself disgruntled but I refuse to do so since I do not want to link my situation with dissatisfaction or anger. God forbid, I'm utterly grateful for everything in my life. I'd better call my situation a moment of weakness and yes, that sounds better. It reflects a moment in which it's quite difficult to keep on struggling and fighting and rather relapsing into episodes of bottomless sorrow and hopelessness. It's temporary, I know. Perhaps this is my time to actually recharge and take a break from absorbing all the negativity I've been exposed to for the past ten months. I'm not a metallic plate after all and even though I aim to be so, I won't be able to dodge the bullets forever. I have the right to renew and strengthen my plate and that takes some time. I understand that.  I'm currently reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, even though I had started it several times before, it's just some sort of a motivat...

I'm not really inspired to write any blog posts at this time of the year, especially that it's hard to discern how I feel about myself, and about things in general. My mood is fluctuating acutely everyday; from happy mornings to daunting evenings and vice verse. Even though I'm used to experiencing utter joy in summer, without the cold or the hazy skies, I feel as if I could never be happy, ever again. Honestly, it's such a hopeless feeling and I know that it is temporary, and nothing but an illusion portrayed by anxiety and the environment around me. My emotions are currently shaped up as a whirlpool, spinning downwards. Some days I'm closer to the surface, hoping to breathe and fill my lungs with air again while others, I'm in the apex; sinking and isolating myself from any cues. You know what's hurting me? You know what's painful? It's my mind telling me that this will be my life; the life I'm planning so arduously to adorn with beauty an...

I wonder who I shall be a couple of years from now; perhaps a renegade, striking against injustice. Perhaps a pioneer in an autonomous field, or an entrepreneur taking multiple risks at a time. I wonder whether I shall be safe in my home, while others are fighting in wars and against disease, whether I shall be stuck in a cycle of ignorance, too caught up by the simple pleasures and frivolous scars, while the world is lightening up with anger and rage. I wonder if my imaginations of who I am shall defy reality's creativity, which is always the case. Who knows who I shall be? Who knows if I would stay the same? Who knows if I will remain in the bubble of recent incidents and be far away from what really matters. Honestly, I don't know what is my path; do I want to defy the hate, anger and injustice? Or do I oppositely want to seek a peaceful life? Do I want to change the world? Am I actually aware of the risks I am supposed to take? It's so complicated and I...

Wow, I didn't really write any exciting posts this month and it troubles me since I usually feel guilty without expressing myself through writings, I haven't even written anything in my book. However, my disposition is uncanny and it's taking me a while in order to reflect and figure out how to deal with the changes I'm experiencing.  Let me bid May goodbye and oh, I shall miss it terribly. I mean, I didn't even enjoy it that much because I was stuck at home studying for my finals and idling near swimming pools with my notes to revise. I didn't really feel it's inspiring airs nor the self-driven attitude. In fact, I've been rather lax and lethargic, my thoughts not crossing the boundaries of my dreams but inspecting the consequences of the present moment. Change is a new phenomenon in my life, even amidst the killing routines of home. Yet, change shall embrace me through travel plans, self-development and newer experiences.  Life at home had...

I love the night in all its levels; the sunset with its condensed sunshine, nightfall and the first starlight, glamorous spicy airs infused with moonlight. But that's only the part of the night which feels so alive, and it's when I'm the person I know, the girl with sparks of productivity and hopefulness in her spirit. Yet there are these hours that follow, which I used to spend asleep, but now lie awake in my bed, contemplating. I become a person so disparate and I could hardly recognise who I am. The stars start vibrating slightly, contrasting gloriously against the navy blue canvass. I feel a voice other than the one I usually produce through the air passing through my vocal chords; an air crystalline with bright sunlight now concussed with shadows. At this part of night, I'm full of life; life I had gathered during the day, and I can hear myself in deep reflections, going through scenarios, feeling emotions occurring only in my wildest dreams, watching myself d...

I wasn't that lucky when I was younger when it came to wishes and dreams since all of my materialistic childish desires were nipped away from me right before my eyes. To illustrate, I would spend a few months fantasising about a new phone and when I would get finally get it as a gift, it would not work and then I would end up in grave disappointment. Since then, I learned not to set my heart on those kind of wishes because they were usually too far-fetched and vulnerable to changes in circumstance, they were too controlled by factors other than mine. So, I ended up heading towards dreams of success, helping the world, building a good family and perhaps, an affluent career. Those kind of dreams kept me going even though they were also shaped by the common life instabilities. Yet, they were things that belonged to me, dreams based on my own decisions, built upon opportunities only tailored for myself. Nowadays, I spend all of my morning runs dreaming of my future, and conjur...

Rainbow sunsets in Poland. Despite the heat and scorching sun rays, I adore summer and it seems that I'm the only one in the whole country that feels that way in May. Most of the people I know are already experiencing this mild depression due to the heat, but I tend to thrive when it's hot, when there are cantaloupes and watermelons in the fridge, when swimming pools are refreshing, when clothes are light and skin is tanned. Yes, the heat waves are rather inexorable and daunting but my body feels good and I don't tend to feel so much discomfort. Ramadan embarks on the 27th of May and I am overjoyed since I love to fast and feel my body detoxifying and releasing its toxins. I also love those simple iftar (breakfast in Arabic) moments, the thrill when you drink your first sip of water after a long day alongside some fresh hibiscus. I'm rather dazed in disbelief because I can't imagine ways to spend the long days since I wake up at 5 am every single day. Of ...

I cannot believe my first year in univeristy is already over, and it brings me quite painful twists in my heart. I am grateful for I've learned a lot, developed my potentials, strengthened my values and character and lastly, approached a more stabilised balance. The first semester was quite daunting for my professors were not as conscientious and the courses were really boring. Additionally, I was all alone and felt neglected by almost everyone! I entered univeristy hoping that I would envision my purpose before me from the very first day, but now I am aware that issues like that take time; time for my mind to link fates, establish connections between the things I had learned previously, and dive into imaginations of my path and whether or not it appeals to me. It was a quite tough semester based on patience; I had so many hopes regarding my health, opportunities and changes in routine. I was living each day looking for reasons to celebrate joy but couldn't find a ...

The moon sang to me a lullaby I stopped sleeping and listened, To those woes of grace and shimmering blaze, Set raindrops in my eyes. And as a cloud obscured her sorrowful face, I heard her voice, weeping still. The moon sang to me the other night, I stopped dreaming and listened. To the coldness in the space up there, Her face stricken so  rigid. And though she is dust and stone, Her heart is born, Of illuminating treasures. She whispered with a trick of light, Through the curtain, it flickered. The moon rose up in the sky tonight, I went out of bed and watched. She masked the dark and lied amidst the stars, Neglecting my attentive presence. And though I tried and tried to get what was wrong, She wore a smile and giggled. I went back to bed again,  Disappointed yet forgiving. The moon did not shine that night, She was a crescent, so small. She, reborn again, with youth and vigour Poured some magic into my dreams. ...

I think the most challenging aspect about happiness is that it is too intangibly expressed; a smile and a flicker of an eye does not really have to indicate true bliss, because even those can be lacerated by some deep scare within. Sometimes, you find yourself joyful but find it difficult to express it, to celebrate the feeling and cherish it and it gets difficult to make such a feeling prevail when confusion sets in. I don't consider my happy moments very lavish, sometimes it's merely that feeling of satisfaction and content to what's surrounding me, and that's fairly enough to keep me motivated to live and experience more of life's mysteries. However, I find it hard to acknowledge that I'm happy, stuck in a routine that doesn't provide gaps for some creativity and appreciation and sadly, the feeling of happiness becomes some sort of a disappointment, and I carry on with my day like it never happened. But I realised, the best and most vivid exp...