a daylight dream

A dose of sunrises. I usually detest Januaries because they are beginnings, empty beginnings that open a book of blank white pages ready to be filled with memories, moments of happiness and sadness. This whole feeling of emptiness agitates me, and makes me anxious because I have no idea how to fill the book with worthwhile words and captivating occurrences.. and yes, as I had expected, I lived through the first weeks of January in anxiety and confusion. I didn't know where I was going, there were no signs, the obscurities never unravelled, they stayed vague through the chilly days and fearful nights. Two weeks ago, I was so close to relapsing. I was a silhouette full of darkness, compressed anger and frustration. My energy was busting and exploding fumes that choked me until I grew weak and vulnerable; there was only hatred to feel towards myself. Nothing was enough. There was no pleasure in the accomplishments, in the rising suns and the shimmering stars. Where was I going

Say you need not life to awaken you. Say you exist aloud in the silence. Say you need not your eyes, To ascertain what's true. Say there is beauty incomparable, One you need not define. Despite the aches in the darkest nights, Say you need not life to survive. As I feel you in my presence alone, You resonate in a dimension so clear. And what not occurs to you,  Affects me wildly. Say you need not a medium, For your words to reach, The depths I have not explored. The distance between our hearts, Is an infinite magnitude of distances, Stretched so wide, so far in the horizons. Say you need not but the two of us, In a sharp awareness of what's lost. You, in loss of what revolves around the earthly, And I, missing everything by your ghost. Say you need not the lyrics of my sleep, To appear among the omens, I recall in the lust of my dreams. I say I need not, but words Amidst a concussion of thoughts To reveal our unearthly co

I can allow my soul To rupture into a million pieces And form a constellation To light your way home You walk in the shineless street Searching for a meaning A flow to resonate, to set free But the inside of your eyes Is a glimpse of a midnight dream Only thoroughly remembered  When you wake up in tears I'll allow your hand To intertwine with mine Like branches of ivy That stay green all the time Through your soft breathing Along the lyrics of your murmurs A scar will stop bleeding A soul shall be left enraptured We need no boundary nor limit As long as we're guided by the oneness of our spirit We can soar along the shadowy clouds Draw curves against the blue velvet sky Just as you stop believing And your faith burns to ashes We'll follow lightly and touch the ground Walk again, the lightless streets To find purpose in a new path And the many roads on your palm Can only lead us to the home in our hearts.

Today I woke up with a smile imprinted somewhere within me because I knew I was going to face a day trying to trust my intuition and doing my best to love myself; truly and entirely. I'm trying to let go of many things these days by surrounding myself with love so pure and boundless. It gives my eyes such a shimmer that makes the world before me so meaningful that each time I blink, I can feel my soul nourishing with purpose. It's a beautiful feeling. I hope the love I hold right now is a love that shall linger for the rest of my finite life, a love that simmers beneath my surface, releasing vapours in form of a faith that beautifies my lifestyle. I want gratitude to be a lifelong imprint within my heart, I don't want it to be a moment of joy that I only acknowledge every once in a while. I want to be thankful through every step, every downfall, every upturn and every bend in the road. Today I'm grateful for this endearing feeling, and for the many many blogs ou

Well, I've always been in love with the thought of being truly intuitive since I'm quite a lavish believer in issues concerning the heart and the soul. It does seem purely glorious to be guided by your own self, to hear voices within your heart and body that make you take the best decisions. I used my intuition countless times, and I'm usually awakened by it when I realise the omens surrounding me, showing me the consequences of certain affairs, giving me a sign that something is surely supposed to be. I have faith in omens; in the colours of the sky, the quotes of a book, conversation with a friend.. I have faith in entirely everything. However, I grew up to neglect my body. I did not thrive in my teenage years, I did not fill myself with energy to grow and fulfil my body's needs in that period. I did not abide by my intuitive energy, thus I am not tapped into the voices, I can no longer understand the cues of hunger, low energy levels and thereof. I must adm

Perhaps beauty is within the soft grey indents of the moon and the incompletion of a crescent. Perhaps there is beauty as the clouds collide, a natural limitless energy, undefined by human perception. Perhaps there is beauty within the pattering raindrops, with their transparency and resilience, their ability to surface the world. Perhaps there is meaning behind the barren winters, the tree branches spiny, hoarse yet expectant. Perhaps there is poetry in the screeches of crows, the howling of wolves and the pounding of a beating heart. Perhaps there is art in your crooked smile, your untamed curls, your blazing spirit and lambent soul. If that's so, then there must beauty in my shyness. There must be meaning in my profound emotions and sensitivity. There must be poetry in my evening tears; warm, fresh and velvety on the pillows. There must be art in the curve of my thighs, the indents in my cheeks, the smallness of my physique.  There must be beauty in everythi

A few years ago, I wanted to grow up to be a free spirit. I wanted to evolve both spiritually and mentally, reach this state of complete tranquility and a fine ability to let go when needed. Of course, I was better off back then, and it's worrying me to have sunk into a state of undistinguished sadness that lacerates my potentials. I have to be honest today, so that I could feel a little bit better. I want to identify the reigns that are pressuring me and guiding me to roads I'm not willingly choosing. I want to be free but perhaps the process of completely letting go requires some relapses, periods of hopelessness and lack of control. I need to acknowledge this, I need to make sure that I know that this is my path, I'm the one who is in control. I can choose how to feel, I can carve my emotions into a state of eternal peace and happiness. I know I can, I've done it before. My soul did not sink since it does not need a breath of air. It's already alive and I

The modern lifestyle shifts away our natural instincts into bustling stereotypes and prejudices, taking our own bodies away from us and judging them from a third side that typically looks like a model runway show. Cameras, comments and criticism. Yes, we took our bodies there. One simple fact we need to discern is that each body is distinct. Each body is biologically different from the other. All the minor genetic variations have a huge impact on our metabolism and therefore, our health mechanism. Our bodies are enchanting, and they are surprisingly able to heal themselves and cope with our sabotaging modern environment. However, when we disconnect it from its basic necessities, it runs out of energy, balance and control. We see the mess earlier than anyone ever did. Diseases are haphazard and no longer stratified according to age. We aren't autotrophic and our bodies aren't self-sufficient, we were born this environment to achieve interdependance. So, these are some ba

It's been a tough week. A week full of relapses, cries, anxiety and sleepless nights. Nights filled with horrifying dreams of people criticising my lifestyle. A lifestyle so restless and never guilt-free. I'm always like that in January. Always so sensitive, intolerant, anxious and insolent. It's like I'm growing old even though the whole world is being reborn with new wishes and hopes. With the foggy mornings, the voices in my head dwell within the uncertainty and the loneliness, and I listen to them, struggling as my own human voice sinks, fights for air, and drowns. But it's okay, I guess. I need to breathe. I need to slow it down. Take it easy. Breathe again. Stick to today, the simple things that make me happy, the little joyous moments that make my soul so pure. Happiness is not something to be guilty about, it's a way to express gratitude. A smile is not a sign that I'm ignorant of the world's needs. I exist as an individual and sometime

I sit there alone, locked up with my minimal fluctuations, feeling every tense and weak emotion, leaving it affect me; torture me, lax me, drown me with completely everything. I sense the burn, the confusion, the peculiar drive to just run away from my being. Inside I'm running and running.. in my place, in a confined area of an imagination that does not stretch enough to meet reality, I'm expecting myself to run out of breath, to reach the speed of light, to be reduced into the matter that makes me feel that way. But then I see you, and you're sitting next to me and my heart starts to beat all of a sudden. So many words, so many explanations.. and I don't know where to start. I want to tell you, hold you, feel you, and turn back in time at the same time. Instead, I just look at you, my eyes shivering with the uncertainty, the fluctuations, the world of vibrations killing me. You sit there, your eyes so bold, so sanguine, leaving no room for a nerve to pluck your co

Nothing makes me remember more than totems of the past; fragrances, sounds and objects. The fragrance of the lavender scent we have in our house at the moment takes me back to early memories of winter 2014, where I played on my guitar morning and evening, listened to heart-wrenching songs, wrote journal entries signed as Catherine to symbolise my cheerfulness and as Soraya to reflect my sadness. The sound of the school buses hitting the tree branches every morning takes me back to grade ten and eleven school bus rides, laughing along with immature, troublesome seventh graders, listening to unreal stories of boyish adventures, opening the windows and letting the cold air refresh my mind, to nourish it for a new day. The volleyball net at school reminds of me Zeina and Nouran, playing swerves, allowing the ball to rise higher and higher, our eyes focused on a distance-- the most precise distance that would let our palms smack the ball, reaching the other side. And Saturdays teleport

Firstly, I'd like to ascertain that I'm dead set against the fact that eating meat is a way of being cruel to animals. Because I'm overly interested in biology and life sciences, humans are animals themselves, and if you don't believe so, we are mammals at least. We are a part of the food chain/web. I don't believe it's cruel to eat animals, just as I don't think lions are cruel to hunt their prey. It's indifferent. It's life. It's full of blood and death. It's the force driving life forward. However, I must affirm that I believe that the capitalist meat industry is cruel. Barbarous, even. Luckily, the industry here in Egypt is not so well-developed because we don't own so much technological capital like the in the US and Europe, so there is some gentle human proximity with animals. However, it pains me to think that I'm eating chicken that have been gathered in a large room with probably awful ventilation, caged in those small

I'm currently wearing my dad's olive-green polar, which isn't providing me with the comfort and warmth I expected. Perhaps the problem is too inherent, you know, because I have this Hashimoto's thyroid disease that makes cold-blooded all the time. And that brings me back to the point where I ask, what the hell is happening to the weather? I remember the mild Egyptian weather with the soothing warm sunshine that leaves you in eternal comfort. The sun shines these days, yes. But there is an inexorable chill that makes the sunshine rather obsolete. Or maybe it's just me. I don't know, I just detest the winter pain. I had this really unearthly conversation with my friend Mariam yesterday, and we talked about our ambitions. Both of us have this heartening purpose within us, and sadly we feel kind of left out from this unappreciative society. Lately, I've been struggling with thoughts that make me feel so inadequate, so unaccomplished because my aspirations w

It's been 7 days since new year, and somehow all I get is omens of change change change. Good change, bad change, whatever. It's still change. I've started noticing that adult life is primarily based on waiting, waiting for things to happen. As a child, I'd never really wait for anything.. I'd live today for today. I wouldn't think about tomorrow at all, except the tomorrows of summer vacation days, then yes. Now as I'm eighteen, everything happens in tomorrow-land, while today is just a platform; a desk to plan on. And here I am waiting to have my own life, so that I could change it. Anyway, all I really want to talk about today is celebration. My family never cherished parties or celebrations of any kind. Birthdays, Eid, Christmas, Ramadan.. they're all the same. Even worse, they turn out to be really intolerable. I want to change that. I think the purpose of having a family and friends is to have someone to celebrate life with. I accomplished many

Hey peeps. It's been a long time, right? Well, id like to thank 2017 for captivating me with change at last. It's like this whole theory of attraction working with me, although I never believed in it. I've been craving change for a few months, and now I'm living through the transition. Fortunately, the change had been magically positive because I actually found a part time job as a teacher assistant, and it's great fun, to be honest. I spend my abundant three-hours marvelling at how teachers can be so.. tactful and dexterous. How they overlap their senses to read the comprehension passage and spot the inattentive student at the same time, plan a million events in a fraction of a second and in the end, plainly having fun. I stand in the class, distribute papers, give second-hand assistance to some of the students, gnaw at my failing courage to encourage them while I can. I also mark some papers and push myself to the limit and haltingly write the same comments ove