Apologies.

I sit there alone, locked up with my minimal fluctuations, feeling every tense and weak emotion, leaving it affect me; torture me, lax me, drown me with completely everything. I sense the burn, the confusion, the peculiar drive to just run away from my being. Inside I'm running and running.. in my place, in a confined area of an imagination that does not stretch enough to meet reality, I'm expecting myself to run out of breath, to reach the speed of light, to be reduced into the matter that makes me feel that way.

But then I see you, and you're sitting next to me and my heart starts to beat all of a sudden. So many words, so many explanations.. and I don't know where to start. I want to tell you, hold you, feel you, and turn back in time at the same time. Instead, I just look at you, my eyes shivering with the uncertainty, the fluctuations, the world of vibrations killing me. You sit there, your eyes so bold, so sanguine, leaving no room for a nerve to pluck your consistent heartbeat. I realise that I missed you, all this time.. the whole time. The whole time I've been here wishing I had ended it differently. You ask me how I've been doing. I smile, I nod, nearly saying that I'm good and asking about you. But I fail. I cannot lie. I'm broken. Broken without an apparent reason. Broken of all the feelings I have to endure each day. Shattered because of the echo I've become, the ripple resonating from an outdated spot. I want to tell you because you have the right to know. Somehow, in an alternate universe, you already know, and I don't have to tell you.

I look into your eyes trying to find something to say, to go undercover, but then your gaze awakens me, it soothes me, instills me with an ignorance that works for a second, or two, or three. I cannot feel it anymore, and nothing but the purity is filling me right now. I tell you I'm sorry. I apologise for being young, for being careless and brutal, even. I say it had been tough, you didn't have to be involved in the rubble. I say that I know and that it's not even an excuse. You do nothing but pat my back, and I can feel ashes of burnt feathers falling down, weakened, undignified. All this time, I thought they were flaming, energetic, powerful enough to ascend. I had been wrong, and you proved it.

You tell me that it's okay. My courage fails me. The parabolas of my emotions flare up in a distorted exponential sequence. My eyes well up. I'm burning. Drowning. Aching. You take me to your chest, and it's where I cry. I cry, I don't break down, there's nothing to break, there's only dust and smoke of what had been shattered and what had been burnt. My tears stain your shirt. I say I'm sorry. You smile. It squeezes my insides so intensely that I have to cry again. I let a stream of dark tears out, transparent as they are, sucking in the blackness of the background, I'm not sure anyone sees them but I feel them. They hurt. I cry again. I let go, smiling, breathing, muttering a thousand "sorry"s and "thank you"s in a distorted order. You're strong through this, your expression is hurt yet hopeful, optimistic, faithful. I tell you that I've heard you've changed through the years, you tell me that anyone would. But not this way, I whimper. You hold my hand, without shame, without regret, your intuition a language dominating your reactions. You tell me that being with me can change anyone, and the right way.

I tell you that I can't do it. I have no way out, I'm watched and that it's complicated. You tell me that you understand and I can hear your mind telling me, reassuring me to speak out loud, to cry on your shoulder, to hold on to your face that I see in my dreams. When it's dark. When there's nothing animate to hold. Your mind and heart and soul tells me to smile to your face whenever I want to, because you're there, in this other world, too. I'm not alone, you encompass me. Forevermore, your thought will help me, until I see the way out, until I signal to you that it's okay to come in, and even better for me to come out. One day, the light will shine through the darkness and I'll be nothing but clairvoyant. I'll know where to go, and I'll take you with me. There is nothing but love between us, a love that doesn't have to be realistic, a love that crosses all boundaries; a love imaginable. You smile. I smile back.

I walk away like a feather, back to where I'm not supposed to be. I drift to reality, tossing and turning in my bed, holding my pillow close. I smile amidst the tears. I acknowledge betwixt the unnerving uncertainty. I hope I'm still sane, with the sound of ticking clocks, and nothing else but apologies..