What's Holding Me Back.

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A few years ago, I wanted to grow up to be a free spirit. I wanted to evolve both spiritually and mentally, reach this state of complete tranquility and a fine ability to let go when needed. Of course, I was better off back then, and it's worrying me to have sunk into a state of undistinguished sadness that lacerates my potentials.

I have to be honest today, so that I could feel a little bit better. I want to identify the reigns that are pressuring me and guiding me to roads I'm not willingly choosing. I want to be free but perhaps the process of completely letting go requires some relapses, periods of hopelessness and lack of control.

I need to acknowledge this, I need to make sure that I know that this is my path, I'm the one who is in control. I can choose how to feel, I can carve my emotions into a state of eternal peace and happiness. I know I can, I've done it before. My soul did not sink since it does not need a breath of air. It's already alive and I'm sure of it. It needs the courage and the power to float, to vigorously push through the depths and pressure and rise.

But right now, I have a couple of things that are holding me down, buckling me up with metal rings, attached to the deepest and darkest layer of my mind.

1. my eating disorder-- I've had a bad relationship with food since I started counting calories in 2012. Before that, I've struggled with body image issues and hated the way my body developed throughout puberty. I had no one to tell me what was going on, I hated the transition, I had no clothes that fit my new teenager body. Since ninth grade, I starved, binged, purged, self-harmed and had done countless things to prove that I hated my body. I had tried to recover three times already, and they all failed because no one was there during the times I felt so weak and vulnerable in. Anyway, my eating disorder is holding me back because it does not come alone. It brings isolation, sadness, fatigue, low self-esteem and anxiety with it. Too many days I've wasted hating myself rather than investing my soul in love, friendships and life-long relationships with everyone and everything around me. I haven't reached the stage to say that I don't regret my eating disorders, but one day, once I'm truly free, I'll be able to say that my eating disorder liberated me, transformed me into a stronger and more powerful human being. Right now, I'm weak and I'm drenched in a state of denial, wishing I could  go back in time and choose not to starve but to be happy instead.
2. guilt-- I sleep guilty everyday, wishing I had done more to become a better person. In fact, it's a never-ending cycle. I don't really acknowledge the efforts I make to live, the fights I struggle through to simply choose not to give up when the war inside my heads gets too intolerable. I'm guilty that I didn't live up to my (anxiety's) expectations. I need to believe that I'm doing well enough. Being guilty stops me from playing guitar in the evening, hanging out with friends, loving and communicating. I know that I have so many potentials, and that I'm not so bad as I seem to be, I just need to be free enough to embody my true being and do the things I love.
3. my state of dependency-- I want to be independent but current family issues won't let me. I really wish I could go work part time more often, hang out with my friends, take courses and buy books without having to worry about who will pick me up or give me the money. Since public transportation in Egypt is not that easy, it only gives more excuses for my family to stop me from being on my own and living my life the way I want to.

I should be more grateful. I think I should just change the way I envision things, and maybe the exact paths will appear right before me. I remember being completely free, just footsteps away from truly soaring away from all earthly confinements. I know I can do it again.

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