A trial of intuition.

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Well, I've always been in love with the thought of being truly intuitive since I'm quite a lavish believer in issues concerning the heart and the soul. It does seem purely glorious to be guided by your own self, to hear voices within your heart and body that make you take the best decisions.

I used my intuition countless times, and I'm usually awakened by it when I realise the omens surrounding me, showing me the consequences of certain affairs, giving me a sign that something is surely supposed to be. I have faith in omens; in the colours of the sky, the quotes of a book, conversation with a friend.. I have faith in entirely everything.

However, I grew up to neglect my body. I did not thrive in my teenage years, I did not fill myself with energy to grow and fulfil my body's needs in that period. I did not abide by my intuitive energy, thus I am not tapped into the voices, I can no longer understand the cues of hunger, low energy levels and thereof. I must admit that I binge, restrict and nourish myself in a quite disordered way. I'm trying to change that.

Three days ago, I woke up telling myself that I needed to eat more healthily since I had a flu and I was sure having fruits for breakfast would be a good thing. In spite of this, I found myself unwrapping the box of oriental sweets and indulging the excessively sweet and greasy pieces. After a while, I realised that I've eaten too much. It might not had been too much, maybe a piece or so, but in my mind I felt that I had eaten a tonne. I dashed to the bathroom. I had a sip of water. I was going to do it. I couldn't go on for the rest of the day with the fullness in my stomach, with the queasy lethargy that will accompany this loss of control. I had to do it.

But then I realised that I had to trust my body. I knew that whatever I did might not have been a sign of loss of control, it might have been what my body needed. I left the bathroom. I calmed down. I tried to forget. I tried to let go.

These days, I'm trying to fulfil the weird cravings I have every now and then. I know my body is testing my strength and tapping me into awareness of my mountainous weaknesses. But I want to do this, I want to be completely free. I want to be guided by my own spirit. I am tired of the voices and the anxieties trapping me between four walls, leaving me unable to express who I truly am, what I truly need.

Usually, people start this journey with support from a therapist or a loved one, but today I'm alone. Circumstances have left me quite detached from everyone around me, but that only makes me stronger and more fearless in every way possible. I know I can do it alone. I just need to gather all the positivity, all the beauty and the glory of imperfections to aid me through this. I want to thrive. I want to be happy with today regardless of the confusion and the scars that lacerate the deepest twists of my soul. They are symbols of courage and strength. It's okay. I want it to be okay.

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