January.

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A dose of sunrises.

I usually detest Januaries because they are beginnings, empty beginnings that open a book of blank white pages ready to be filled with memories, moments of happiness and sadness. This whole feeling of emptiness agitates me, and makes me anxious because I have no idea how to fill the book with worthwhile words and captivating occurrences.. and yes, as I had expected, I lived through the first weeks of January in anxiety and confusion. I didn't know where I was going, there were no signs, the obscurities never unravelled, they stayed vague through the chilly days and fearful nights.

Two weeks ago, I was so close to relapsing. I was a silhouette full of darkness, compressed anger and frustration. My energy was busting and exploding fumes that choked me until I grew weak and vulnerable; there was only hatred to feel towards myself. Nothing was enough. There was no pleasure in the accomplishments, in the rising suns and the shimmering stars. Where was I going? Where did I go wrong?

Deep down I knew I couldn't go on this way. I didn't want to collapse into a world of grief and opaque blackness. I wanted to be something in this world, I wanted a meaning and a purpose, I couldn't go on this way with the dreams that flamboyantly shone in my perception of the future. I had to be strong. I had to let go.

The thing is, I didn't know how. Every time I woke up with an affirmation to just simply love myself, my mind was antagonistically manifesting thoughts I wanted to avoid. I couldn't help but feel them, let them linger, hoping that my strength would shake them away somehow. But it didn't work. I was lost.
Amiable clouds.

One day, I just decided to fill myself with love, because nothing was worth it anymore. I opened my tumblr account and started following recovery and positive blogs, to filter my thoughts, to invade my mind with positivity and beauty. Of course, a voice within me was punishing me for wasting my time instead of doing something more productive. I made it shut up. I let the pictures' meanings sink in. I chanted mantras to build myself up, to heal and to love.

I wake up each morning now and tell myself that the outer world doesn't have to be exciting and joy-infusing for I hold the bliss within me. I wake up everyday now knowing that I have discarded my intuition for so long but it is never too late to let it awaken. I spend my days idling in my balcony under the sunshine, reblogging tumblr quotes and beautiful pictures, reading recovery blogs without a pang of guilt. I hear a voice telling me that I should read some scientific books or write up some chapters of my book, or do something more productive. Instead of giving in, I shush it. I'm being productive by breathing, by learning how to live. This is the perfect moment to build myself instead of exhausting it with things that don't fulfil my intuition. I'm not wasting my time, I'm sure I'm using it the best way possible.

I'm sensing the difference these days with the pounding love in my soul, more genuine laughs, and appreciating my efforts. I got a 95% in my exams and I'm celebrating it instead of discarding that I've done well. I'm not vain, I'm just instilling some faith that will surely help me conquer my fears and establish my balance.

I wish all of you a beautiful February. Cherish your senses by noticing how the sun is feebly warmer, how the day is lingering a moment more each day, how the sunrises stretch and miracles unfold. Learn more about yourself, tune in with the outer world through your lens and yours only. Empty away the negativity by replacing your thoughts with ones more healthy, more beautiful and nourishing. Don't stress yourself and allow your body's guidance to be more prominent.

Take your time because you have all of it.

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