a daylight dream

  if there was one thing I could subtract in my life, it would be  goodbye . I’m still not sure if it’s only wishful thinking, but it seems my heart could bear all the pain in the world, but not the goodbye. sometimes I feel I could break from the number of times I’d imagined saying goodbye and not seeing the people I love again. it’s a practice I’ve memorised like the back of my hand. the innumerable airport waves that never amount to anything, held back tears, children leaving their classroom doors every year. having this one last time kills everything. the nights leading up to this goodbye are painful. just as long as this one is. I’m trying to rehearse the easiest way to pass through the airport gates without flooding. I’m trying to picture what would make life easier once I’m back, not having to think about the emptiness that follows. the days I don’t hear my sister’s laughter, or my mother’s face glowing when she comes home. these are moments my heart is twisting for. I’...

  it’s this bottleneck situation that wakes me up at night so early, a pattern so exhaustingly tiresome that a calming pill is my only way to see this through in ease. this airplane ride back home is so different this time around. so many unknowns, so many  who knows ? something in my heart tells me I won’t be here again, at least not this way. something tells me it’s time for everything to change. a mountain climber knows his world is never the same after the most majestic ascent— every step forward after it holds less meaning to the entire world, but it means something entirely different for the heart. I don’t know if I’ll be here again. I’m not sure if I’ll be here again this way. walking down the streets packed with friendly maples, I sink in reverence for all the years I had spent witnessing their worship. I tear up remembering the laughter that echoed down these meadows, the poetry and lyrics that never made it to anyone’s ears. thing no one knows except for me. it might...

  I pray that the only secret I keep in the world is this pounding love within the crevices of remembrance, in the darkness of being alone, waiting for the right moment to fall asleep.   a snowflake following the other, every beat of this heart. a body that comes back home each night and remembers something sacred about being here. the variables and reasons grow in perplexity and enormity each day, which makes me want to let go and swim even more. I pray that these eyes hold something that no one could ever reveal. a sad sweetness of losing something that felt infinite just so that your life doesn’t scar its sacredness. letting it go and buying a happiness that lasts well for this lifetime, does its part and does it so well. every ounce of passion oozing into all of it till there’s not enough to drift away into what resides somewhere uncharted. these airplane rides back home remind of a bittersweet story. what would someone in my place do? would they come back or would a lasti...

golden blues tint the inside of my heart as August rolls by: the trees are painted with a faded kind of green and auburn shades, the winds are cooler in the dark mornings, when the sunlight, in peace, emerges slowly, giving us time to finally realise all this colour and all this summery life is little by little passing by. I always feel a little melancholic at that time of the year, saying goodbye to many memories and embroidering my soul with new, fresh intentions. it's okay to feel both a little longing and holding on. I am grateful to say that my longing for the newness to come is energising and fulfilling.  august was all about accepting the ordinariness of life, or at least that was my intention. it was beyond beautiful to hold on to that, since the little moments shined with so much essence. mornings were filled with tears of thankfulness and daily routines were honoured with a delightful presence. I am quite proud of myself for creating more and more habits that light up my ...

I didn’t expect to see you there— a bejewelled presence made just for my eyes. I remember gazing at you in disbelief, shaky at my loss, shaky at being so close and near to the jewel I dropped so recklessly and never looked back to. I remember how I smiled, and for a moment in that crowded room it was just you and me, an infinite future embroidered on the hems of your dreams. it was just you that night, and all faded away. your eyes pointing at me as I stepped onto that stage. and there was no goodbye, but I might have glanced at you one last time. my insides shaking, sleepless in their nights and tears I never had welled in my eyes. something hit different this time—  what was it I was longing for? take me back to that night so I’d keep that conversation a little longer for everything I know now. clean from years of saying all the words I don’t believe, clean from broken promises and blank dreams that only I had the courage to sail. clean from a love that never touched the grounds ...

  the dissonance this love leaves me in— at the edge of my longing for silence at the end of each day. you watch me sit in the loneliness of twilight, closing my eyes while the snowflakes beating against my heart settle and swim in rivers of fractured calm and unlikely peace.  I’m at the edge of enjoying it a little too much, just a footnote deeper into the letters I never sent to grief that lurk at the pools of overloaded stillness. letters I lived for for so long, a self-pitying disposition I no longer need— now there’s  you . you kept your promise when you told me you’d never leave me alone. a second too deep into my silence and you’re here with your eyes, searching for something, searching for a window into my heart. I smile back into your eyes, contemplating the newness of my compromise. a silence I know hurts both me and you, but it gives me something nothing ever gives. a glimpse of ethereal sadness that bounces back to the spheres. but I don’t need that anymore....

  finally , you whimper. gazing into my eyes that night, stars above us a frequency I'd only dreamed of. the moonlight a halo so magnetic between our hearts, every minute away from your embrace an earthquake towards the tsunamic tides. my words melt into you. those eyes I fell for eons ago. I could only breathe out, tears in my eyes, closeness a sacred prayer every breath of me makes. you hold my hand so gently, your heart racing, surrendering before me. finally , our love. there's this thing between us. a gaze that lasts a lifetime, a lyric of unkempt apologies, sighs and ' i love you 's buried deep between the bridges I burned between us. it didn't take long to hold it up again- just like that, it's here. there are red roses blooming in my cheeks, wildly scented just for you. the fragrance of longing to be loved this much, with all your strength, with the fullest moon in your heart a light that soaks me whole. our breaths coalesce and the invisible strings th...

  endearlingly, july ends. it was such a cordial month filled with sweet beginnings and in-betweenness so sacredly beautiful. it was quite jovial to be alive this month, an unreasonable gratitude for the little moments sinking in deeper and deeper. some place in between real life and dreams, july met me. ordinarily sacred and loving. and here is my reflection. a soothing calmness and peace perhaps the most significant thing about july was that it gifted me a river of calmness and peace. you know me, i'm mostly restlessly anxious, drenched in patterns of overthinking. that changed, and has changed for a while. perhaps in july, it was the first time to spend so much time without it which felt so relaxingly new. a cool, light-blue and opal aura radiated from within. I did not allow myself to worry so much about the future and whenever I started having obsessive thoughts about some imperfection or fatal flaw in my life, I quickly instructed my mind to settle down, to raise my vibration...

I’d never stayed up late just to wait for someone’s sweetest replies. I’d never thought I was one to break my rules so much, entwined by a thousand mischievous smiles just to let you in. just for another word that makes me long for another lifetime. akin to the one I left you hanging. it is time for me to admit I’ve been a foolish child not thinking I was deserving of this. skyscraper-high dreams you’ve built just for one glorious love you see in my eyes. oh, and to be the one for it. to be deserving this— not something I’ve known so well. I was always one to pine achingly for wordless reveries and clouds that never touched the ground with the sweetness of their rains. but once I’ve been trapped mid-air, one knows it’s never again. a territory so broken, so stolen and so solemnly irreverent to trespass without a hand like yours. a hand that has built all what it could. something I could see. some love I could feel. would you drown in me the way you’re used to? you deserve this, too. th...

  can you feel my armour let down in your presence? my shoulders dropping beneath your protective eyes, in which I shine ever so beautifully. a jewel enclosed in your heart— your heavenly, unconditional gateway for a divine purpose you never thought would be  that  enough. when you’re here, somehow, there’s this letting go. a sun being received by the enormity of an endless lilac-blue sky. the strong, foundational essence of your stillness is the hue that makes no one else see it’s me, the one love standing before only  you . it took me some time to come home. to everything you fought for. with you like this, an infinite provision and relentless spiral of giving, there is no need to chase. I’m here now, my dear.  there’s some magical wisp in our good mornings. some thing charmingly alluring in our unfinished lines and the stories that just never end. dreams sailing between our oceans and the sparkling wonder in our eyes. to do it with you.  only you . ...