a secret.

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I pray that the only secret I keep in the world is this pounding love within the crevices of remembrance, in the darkness of being alone, waiting for the right moment to fall asleep. 

a snowflake following the other, every beat of this heart. a body that comes back home each night and remembers something sacred about being here. the variables and reasons grow in perplexity and enormity each day, which makes me want to let go and swim even more.


I pray that these eyes hold something that no one could ever reveal. a sad sweetness of losing something that felt infinite just so that your life doesn’t scar its sacredness. letting it go and buying a happiness that lasts well for this lifetime, does its part and does it so well. every ounce of passion oozing into all of it till there’s not enough to drift away into what resides somewhere uncharted.


these airplane rides back home remind of a bittersweet story. what would someone in my place do? would they come back or would a lasting happiness be chosen for a lifetime so fleeting? these tears of facing so many unknowns again— the unknown of choosing a life that serves and doesn’t take in the infinite all at once. the memory of it being enough.


and that’s the secret. I’d rather be with a little hole. a little mark. but not the realness of it. leave me a little emptiness to be with the nothingness this life was made for.


an emptiness I can remember Him for, plea with all my love through. believe in the infinite heavens for. extend all parts of me to a place where it all starts and ends. and all of this, never being enough, doesn’t matter anymore.


I pray it never shows. I pray it is a life I don’t have the words for. a soulful malady that begets all wisdom and grace. all you can see is this smile and embrace being just right for everyone.


there are certain things I choose— I choose not to scar the beautiful, not to lacerate the infinite by the sureness of a goodbye. I choose to keep things forever— and forever is not here. the fleeting is meant for worship alone. this heart won’t take it without its suffering.


there’s so much to learn to let go to for love.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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