will I be here again?

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 it’s this bottleneck situation that wakes me up at night so early, a pattern so exhaustingly tiresome that a calming pill is my only way to see this through in ease. this airplane ride back home is so different this time around. so many unknowns, so many who knows?

something in my heart tells me I won’t be here again, at least not this way. something tells me it’s time for everything to change. a mountain climber knows his world is never the same after the most majestic ascent— every step forward after it holds less meaning to the entire world, but it means something entirely different for the heart.


I don’t know if I’ll be here again. I’m not sure if I’ll be here again this way. walking down the streets packed with friendly maples, I sink in reverence for all the years I had spent witnessing their worship. I tear up remembering the laughter that echoed down these meadows, the poetry and lyrics that never made it to anyone’s ears. thing no one knows except for me.


it might be the last summer to be here. who knows what’s to come? something exciting, terribly new, terribly challenging and world-shattering. I’m not sure who I’m going to be through it all.


the only prayer I’m left with is to keep this light glowing in my heart. to remember it earnestly. to hold on to the sameness when everything is turning around so dramatically. with all this growth, with all this change, we hold on to the things that never tremble to feel comfort. and that’s You. my path and pathless journey. a secret nobody should know about. the love I had promised to give, evermore.


I might shed some tears this goodbye. sweet goodbyes of letting parts of me go. an autumn. a cleanse. one long, intentional goodbye.


there’s comfort in knowing that some things will always be there for me, and that nothing will ever change. it’s just another mountainous ascent.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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