a daylight dream

  the silence between us orbits us around all the transient journeys and all the defined paths we fixate on. the silence between us spreads us in space in the illusion that we are in control of who we are— till the silence turns to be an unbearably loud  noise .  the choice, dearest. all this time, I knew that navigating my life is just one big cacophony of noise. when all the spellbinding events arise, all I’m longing for is the mirror of your eyes. who else knows it’s but Him.. who else knows the truth of it but your heart. you understand it now, dearest? the pain of the distance between our timeless gazes. when we think we are in control of it, our hearts in deep sleep. the effort and brokenness it takes to unload the weight of our doing. eased in graceful softness with just one step into the garden of love: the silent sky of your eyes, the soulful closeness of your presence. this time, I feel less in control of it. I deeply know that no amount of preparation equates a...

today was beautiful— that kind of day which makes you melt in the light of people that have the courage to heal. this is something I recognise in people so instantly— this palpable light that emanates from their hearts, this authentic vulnerability and wholeness in knowing brokenness, imperfection and pain. I was truly lucky to meet Rana, an educator I have stumbled upon— passionate, eager and relentless in learning limitlessly. also, humbly empowering, big-hearted and deeply honouring her pain and struggles which makes her so real.. so true. I felt my smallness standing by her side. if there is something not many people recognise about me, I am deeply shy sometimes, especially in situations where I am asked to speak my truth. before her, I felt the smallness in just allowing her to be, to express and hold space for wholeness. it was a sacred moment, an honest prayer of an open heart. my shyness, though often nerve-wracking for me, is often a gift. I find that a leadership role does no...

  I wonder where this limp fragility comes from— an inexorable need, the brokenness of my doing and breaking down before my helplessness. I closed my eyes while in the bus today, and my heart reminded me of all the obstacles in my life, even though I’m not sure why. my overprotective father, having less freedom than most people, my burning longing to feel safe in being myself and a broken family situation which keeps inking my world in undesirable splats every once in a while. I was reminded by my unstable relationship with my own body and existence; a rollercoaster between the highs of transcendence and the lows of being shackled and limited midst all those restraints.. I didn’t want to remember. I try to focus on what’s beautiful most of the time. I cannot deny that in my weakness I often feel like I can never move on with my life tied to lessons from the past I haven’t learned so thoroughly yet. I keep blaming myself for it all. It’s all inside me. It’s a mirror of my fears. a m...

in being honest, I falter at how far sugarcoating could go. sometimes, in effort to let things go, I find myself coating the pain with the sweetness of it being a gift when still, it is painful. when still, it is meant to be seen as hurt. when it still hasn’t been transcended. I’ve agreed not to run away from my problems. I don’t want to be the person who would run away and leave it all behind seeking a new life. sometimes I think I just want to stay here, see it through in forgiveness and kindness— but I often feel like more time spent in this cage is weakening my wings.. in being honest I realise that as far as healing could go, we cannot heal anyone. we cannot really change people. we cannot really expect other people to transform their hearts in accordance to our will. it doesn’t work like that, but my relentlessness tricks me into believing it is possible. no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to fix his past. I won’t be able to paint his heart anew. I can’t waste mine on this...

I know that it is at the brink of aliveness that one truly experiences death. It is quite paradoxical and truly elusive to comprehend. For this truth can be experienced both ways, in all ways, the whole spectrum of bitterness and sweetness.. I’ve been rather concerned with issues of our world lately, leaving contemplation behind, leaving You in the background of my heart— my remembrance of You subtle, weak, unrecognisable. there was barely time to consider surrender being in the limelight of all doing. Dear God, sometimes I get so terribly alienated by remembering myself. I get so painfully tempted by boredom of having to consider my life. In the midst of efforts to feel wholeness, through so much introspection, I get tired of remembering myself more than You— the vastness of it, the undying truth that midst all of my effort, there is Your unceasing power that undoes everything I do, leaving me in broken humility and less and less control.. Sometimes all I want to remember that I’m tru...

  you’re right. a love like this is grander than anything we can touch into being, felt for its truth in its close proximity, but never too close for it to exist independently. it seems to melt into all that is, melting our boundaries along with it. it’s grander than life. everything touched by divine love is.. and I always longed to be touched by it, and infuse my life with its otherworldly paths lived from within. and I spent all my years climbing just to bring this celestial light to the grounds that carry our home. just to watch it seed, grow, thrive and eventually.. die. how can something eternally divine find itself so softly streaming in our worldly seasons? but while it grows, while it is seen, its ephemeral light blinds the darkness away.. a glimpse of the infinite in one timeless moment, sheerly made for a heart-shattering brokenness and all-encompassing humbleness. and dearest one, this togetherness is a garden of divine love. and what am I here to do but climb higher st...

  a miracle has happened, and still my mind is feeling so much awe at how it all has blossomed like spring into my life, embroidering visions of transformative change across the fabric of this existence. lately, I’ve been dissatisfied with my work environment. the office politics and the limiting energy that stagnates potential from rising. I’ve been feeling lonely and locked in my place, my energy wasted on remaining unaffected by the waves of negativity abound. I somehow decided to apply for different positions in different schools, despite none of them appealing to my work ethic. I couldn’t find much congruence but decided to go for it anyway. I did the demo and the interview, had eye-opening discussions and was even accepted. last night, I prayed for God’s guidance and intended to remain in choiceless awareness. I awoke to a day filled with unimaginable synchronicities.. the dream of creating my own role within an organisation. my school is expanding and so, there will be a new...

you know there’s a thin line between dreams and what is real; pencilled, sketched, rugged. and you know that most of the strength goes to know you’re holding on to more than just invisible strings.. and you know how arduous it is to keep holding on to faith without a journey of waltzing our shadows towards the light. and I need your help holding on. I need you to wake to the stark truth of it. to embody it. to fight for it. just the same as I need to heal the shadows in me hiding in the secret alleyways of the dark. just as I need to become a sacred home. the sunlit radiance of gratitude. the receiving ground on which divine dreams can sprout. there are truth-ward journeys this cannot work out without. the sweetest hoax I believe in

  am I allowed to miss you? am I allowed to miss the mirror I could see the world through ever so shamelessly? am I allowed to wish I could do just one thing to dream of closeness.. am I allowed to feel the eternal sad darkness of universal nightlife combined— that my life is so scarred, and that I’m so deeply flawed.. and I am allowed to love the wholeness of it just the same? to accept the bounds, mounts and narrow-vision gateways. and am I allowed to live the miracle of accepting transcendence? am I allowed to wonder if those dreams could ever touch the light on your face, and make you feel— so much, too much. the significance of you mirrored in an explosive universal love. transforming every particle of time into a ritual of ethereal magnificence. that you’re so real. so dear.. the truest you. the self-forgetting shadows embraced into meaning harmonised in between what it’s here for. am I allowed to dim my hope and forsake dreaming? for in each one now, I’m meeting you before t...

disappear as much as you’d like—  from my gaze to your wandering eyes.. I find that no matter how much these words of love are silenced, and no matter how long our eyes are closed by the shutters of distance— we find home. ever so effortlessly, we tiptoe back in, open doors, wide windows and adoring skies. and home begs to be more than a metaphor. and it chose me. once it has received its one loving dweller, how can its light dim? it chose me, despite feeling so far away from home. so far from hearing those footsteps settling in. this heart foresees a garden, but has forgotten how to seed. how to thread pieces of embroidery. how to simmer fragments of sweet memories. and my lilting melodies unmoored, I move forward to my healing climb. at least till this heart learns to choose this body and call it what always longed to be called— home. a haven. a temple. a paradise. an avid listener of poetic, romantic rhymes. an ode of blessings running through its sky. my home is gratitude. deep...