missing Your ethereal presence..

I know that it is at the brink of aliveness that one truly experiences death. It is quite paradoxical and truly elusive to comprehend. For this truth can be experienced both ways, in all ways, the whole spectrum of bitterness and sweetness..

I’ve been rather concerned with issues of our world lately, leaving contemplation behind, leaving You in the background of my heart— my remembrance of You subtle, weak, unrecognisable. there was barely time to consider surrender being in the limelight of all doing.

Dear God, sometimes I get so terribly alienated by remembering myself. I get so painfully tempted by boredom of having to consider my life. In the midst of efforts to feel wholeness, through so much introspection, I get tired of remembering myself more than You— the vastness of it, the undying truth that midst all of my effort, there is Your unceasing power that undoes everything I do, leaving me in broken humility and less and less control..

Sometimes all I want to remember that I’m truly in Your hands, in Your embrace and that I am allowed to let go even all what I love the most, deeming myself resolutely powerless. Sometimes all I want is to stop trying because I know it doesn’t work.. it never works when it’s just me.

I’ve been trying to heal for such a long time. It breaks me how much effort this takes. I always return to the same old patterns: those rugged, bitten nails of perfectionism and self-imposed pressure, the people-pleasing, the anger and frustration, the fatal flaws..

I seem to never break free but in Your love. One by one, it’s all undone. I can soften with Your vast, infinite perspective and never perish. I see it all taken with me home. This heart unpackages itself to be free, unbothered, filled to the brim with only what matters.

I’m tired of trying. I get a glimpse of my highest self some nights and it moves me to tears. I feel so close sometimes, but then it all crashes down. I feel so far away again in pathless roads.

How I pray to remember You in every moment and forsake my knowing. I need the sweetness of missing You. I miss Your home.

I keep praying I’m forgiven.. to feel it in my heart for sure that I’m forgiven, even when most undeserving..

I never deserved all of this.