seeing You..

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 I wonder where this limp fragility comes from— an inexorable need, the brokenness of my doing and breaking down before my helplessness.

I closed my eyes while in the bus today, and my heart reminded me of all the obstacles in my life, even though I’m not sure why. my overprotective father, having less freedom than most people, my burning longing to feel safe in being myself and a broken family situation which keeps inking my world in undesirable splats every once in a while. I was reminded by my unstable relationship with my own body and existence; a rollercoaster between the highs of transcendence and the lows of being shackled and limited midst all those restraints..


I didn’t want to remember. I try to focus on what’s beautiful most of the time. I cannot deny that in my weakness I often feel like I can never move on with my life tied to lessons from the past I haven’t learned so thoroughly yet.


I keep blaming myself for it all. It’s all inside me. It’s a mirror of my fears. a mirror of my ignorance and shame looming over like a shadow in pristine morning light. 


but the miracle is that all these obstacles turn me to You. when the blame dries, I see the possibility of Your love. I hear my heart pleading me to talk to You, to unload myself onto your infinite streams of mercy and forgiveness. I see You asking me to turn to the permanency of Your unwavering help, which I am so in helpless need for..


no matter what I do, no matter how far I go in healing, I always return to the fleeting temporariness of my efforts. how it all dissolves when my heart remembers that all these hardships are a mirror of Your love. life bickering me to lean on You.. to be with You.. and to find the sweetness of being chosen with all that mess.


with this kind of insight somehow I stop comparing and judging the stitches I’ve sewn holding my life together. I might be floating in a sky of miracles and love— but deep inside, I see how my blessings are too, scarred.  


remembering You through my pain is all I need, to stop relying on myself. to feel my soul connected to Your infinite light as I feel the pain of all what’s broken. it’s all I have..


I see You… 

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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