honesty..

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in being honest, I falter at how far sugarcoating could go. sometimes, in effort to let things go, I find myself coating the pain with the sweetness of it being a gift when still, it is painful. when still, it is meant to be seen as hurt. when it still hasn’t been transcended.

I’ve agreed not to run away from my problems. I don’t want to be the person who would run away and leave it all behind seeking a new life. sometimes I think I just want to stay here, see it through in forgiveness and kindness— but I often feel like more time spent in this cage is weakening my wings..


in being honest I realise that as far as healing could go, we cannot heal anyone. we cannot really change people. we cannot really expect other people to transform their hearts in accordance to our will. it doesn’t work like that, but my relentlessness tricks me into believing it is possible.


no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to fix his past. I won’t be able to paint his heart anew. I can’t waste mine on this— I don’t want to pin myself down in trying so hard when I could be trying this flight to His light.


in being honest I realise that I can’t afford to hide the truth any longer.. some things just won’t change. they’re not mine to change. the miracle is to accept this and move on. I won’t be a martyr of a battle that is not mine to fight.


in moving on, I find that I need my voice. I need my desires. I need my longings. I need potentials and dreams. I need my unwavering faith and belief.


I want to run away without escaping. I pray to find maturity in this.. I pray to find healthy, nonviolent paths of truth. all my life it’s been so violent to share my truth. it’s always been a battle of judgement, criticism and fear leaving me with too many scars to heal. too tired to focus on all of it, it was easier to just focus on the goodness of what’s left in life, finding myself in a bubble of dreams. but these dreams have become so real.. and they’re calling for me.


I pray to know the Light so well through this darkness. to be grateful for the right things, and to find my voice in what there is to be grateful for that I fear stopped me from perceiving.


the truth is, I am caged. only honesty can set me free..

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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