a daylight dream

it dawned upon me this morning how liberating it would be if i simply chose to go beyond the labels that bind me to this temporary lifetime. beyond the label of “ teacher ”, “ educator ”, “ advocate ” and “ poet ”, i’m but an eternal soul on its divine journey to wholeness. perhaps i’m more interested this moment in moving beyond labels when it comes to my career. sometimes, it is quite limiting to say that i’m a teacher when in truth, i come in many forms to serve those beloved children. i often hear others say “ i can’t do that, i’m just a teacher ” when confronted by challenges beyond their job description and title. well, perhaps we get paid for specific things, but the mind thrives on those self-imposed structures to create suffering when the heart speaks and calls for action yet stays fastened in some abstract box of roles. this year, i hope to bring my full humanness and light into what i do and move beyond my job description. upon learning that there is such a thing as  uns...

the day starts and we go separate ways to serve the world with gifts and bright, reverent hearts. like birds that come into murmurations and disperse, i find myself in places and conversations i have never planned. and so do you, but our hearts are bound to be where love is. when evening falls, i come home with an exhausted smile and broken heart from all the beauty that has surpassed the day. lately, there is this halo of surrendered love that follows me everywhere, humbling the smallest features of my face and softening my slowest steps. i come home with it, and here, it multiplies in wordless togetherness, a million times more blinding near your presence. our togetherness is different than i expected it to be, love. there is much more silence than i could have imagined. but it reminds me of the sweetest silence that prevailed before i knew your name, when this ancient love was only a comforting truth echoing in my chest; a fractal, an extrapolation of God’s fabric of love coating th...

today, i happened to reconnect to a beautiful friend with whom i share so many dreams and auras. we talked about divinity, interconnectivity and everything that binds us to God, the source of all oneness and aliveness. since that conversation, much of the chatter in my mind ceased to exist, despite the usual tendencies i have to want to do something. there are items on my list that haven’t been checked, some as absurd as “visualise activities for term (2)” which would mean going through every single day of the week for each unit in my head. well, it would be productive, but it would most certainly attach my ego to the outcomes, too. and so i dropped the list awhile and listened to the music of the spheres— musica universalis . the beauty in stillness and inner peace, the cessation of movement to coexist with all patterns in the universe. perhaps it would be healing to pay attention to our innate nothingness and the ultimate wholeness that we truly are. suddenly, the desire to eat, drin...

When I look back, I find that not much has changed in numerous ways. The irony is that an infinitude of changes had happened in the past few years, perhaps one’s imperceptible, but powerful enough to manifest breakthroughs that may not be visible now, but are to create lasting imprints. Since 2017, things started to change so rapidly. Reflecting upon it with my father, he tells me that not much has changed, but I cannot help but recognise the person I was then. There are fleeting remnants of who I’d always been, but deep inside, I’ve changed radically. It seems that the more appropriate term is not change , but growing back to originality and authenticity rooted in my spirit. I don’t know why I’m mentioning this now, but something in me whispers that starting from 2022, all the imperceptible changes shall become more embodied in real terms. Faint dreams shall stroke the canvas of life in colours of daylight. I am not yet aware of how that should manifest, and am forsaking all the detai...

Another year passes by, significantly phenomenal, fulminating with heart-shattering perspectives and epiphanies that changed my world in all sense. As I write this, I am lighter in body and spirit, deep in veneration and gratitude for all the beauty that 2021’s days had left me with. Forsooth, it is time to marvel and engrain what had gone by— in essence just another year of growth and transformation. January Writing dramatic poetry, erupting from crevices so melancholic and loving. Going for endless runs and swims ‘neath January’s rains and sun-kissed clouds. Meeting up with my learners in the club. Loading up on oranges and apples from the wholesale fruit market. My mind acquainted with Taylor’s melodious ‘evermore’ tunes, inspiring the most treacherous visuals. Starting the second term online and having tremendous fun on Zoom with backgrounds and nicknames. Watching my learners create wondrous descriptive sentences that invoke the senses with wild imaginings. Composing a song. Conne...

  At last, it is the end of a deeply revelatory month. The whole of 2021 can be summarised into the processes navigated in December, which is quite beautiful, for I’ve intended to view it as a month of reverent journeys. December was a walk in the icy winter mornings, drawn to crimson artistry of the skies. Ah, I could talk about my love for open skies infinitely, and every day is a different canvas on which the light of God shines. It was immensely comforting to see how everything simply carries the light of God as it exists, and we, uniquely among all the other species, have the beautiful power to choose how to carry it. It is foreordained, surely, but we do have that will to consciously pour the Light out of our very hearts. In December, I went through the process of reflecting and writing. There were brilliant moments of sharing love with people around me, having empowering conversations in the book club and teachers whom I connected to rather miraculously. The most beautiful t...

I sit alone in my room, feeling time move. It’s been some time since I talked to anyone, and it really is my choice, at the end of the day. I feel myself withdrawing into a bubble of isolation and aloneness. It’s rather addicting not to meet or talk to anyone, sit in silence, observing congenial conversations and wondering if I’m able to love people this way. I went to the garden this afternoon since I felt so distant and alone. I sat on one of the steps and cried a little when I heard some of my favourite tunes, they touched the blues parts of me, parts starving for affection. The thing is… I do have love in my life. I’m not sure why it feels so alone all of a sudden, and it seems to come from right within me. It’s dangerous territory, it erases every single act of love permanently until I start thriving once more to truly see it all in abundance. I realised that deep inside, I’m not sure if I really love myself. I’m not sure if I’m good enough for anything, really. I know I should g...

Love seems to be memorised, for my fingers slide to hold your hand the first moment I’m awake. It’s the very first thing I do, and it has always been, even before the fleeting lifetime we had together. I was used to you not being here for so long, and  I missed you . Still, those fingers could dream of what it would be like to be loved, and they were contented until I had you here for a while. It feels wrong to say it’s been a while since it’s been ages, maybe timeless infinities, of our togetherness. A moment of waking next to you was all of it. God has foreordained that I outlive the ones I love, and now I suffer to do it all over again, unsure whether this is still missing you. I’ve missed you before, a time before I knew your name, and a time long afterwards. There was the time when you were here, and it was another kind of missing you, while looking into your eyes and breaking before the celestial connection you’ve gifted me. I couldn’t look into those inscrutable eyes of your...

It’s never been so sweet to be with myself as it is now, perhaps it starts with a little bit of numbness and pain, a little bit of restlessness and confusion— but the answers always come. The answer to true rapture and love always come in time. I’ve numbed myself with so many dependencies and false beliefs. I’ve numbed and emptied my heart with the perception that there is so much to be done, that I’m not proficient enough, that I shouldn’t even try to give myself space to do something new that a sacred voice within me longs to immerse itself into. It’s profusely and perplexingly arduous to learn sometimes, especially when it comes to what I devotedly care about, like teaching and being with children and painting and singing. The experience is turned into a challenge so harrowing to start and keep it up when my critical voice keeps finding excuses to not even try. The hardest time for me is perhaps when I come back from work. There is this sinking sensation the moment I step inside, it...

Ideas that come from love have a life of their own, they are not bound to the life and the timing and the plan of their vessel, they simply grow to their own accord, in the timing they find right. Two years ago, I was working on a project based on the enneagram personality theory. I worked for two months building material and researching, wondering when would be the right time to enact it, but it simply died down midst the other responsibilities and circumstances. I let it go and felt grateful for the time spent working tediously on it since it made me understand human beings on such a deeper level. The knowledge in itself sufficed, and it allowed me to become a better healer and teacher, too. Last week, my world turned around. Perhaps today, specifically, I was sitting in a circle of three passionate teachers, analysing personalities, watching them burst in epiphanies, eyes water and I saw ourselves talking in terms of transformation and awareness— conversations I only dreamed to have...