Withdrawing.

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I sit alone in my room, feeling time move. It’s been some time since I talked to anyone, and it really is my choice, at the end of the day.

I feel myself withdrawing into a bubble of isolation and aloneness. It’s rather addicting not to meet or talk to anyone, sit in silence, observing congenial conversations and wondering if I’m able to love people this way.

I went to the garden this afternoon since I felt so distant and alone. I sat on one of the steps and cried a little when I heard some of my favourite tunes, they touched the blues parts of me, parts starving for affection.

The thing is… I do have love in my life. I’m not sure why it feels so alone all of a sudden, and it seems to come from right within me. It’s dangerous territory, it erases every single act of love permanently until I start thriving once more to truly see it all in abundance.

I realised that deep inside, I’m not sure if I really love myself. I’m not sure if I’m good enough for anything, really. I know I should grow up already and take responsibility, but sometimes I don’t know where to start. I sit with myself one moment and a flood of fears tear my doors apart, and it stops me from opening myself to love.

It stops me from that heartfelt conversation with my sister. I linger in the silence for a while and realise that I don’t know what to say. How it breaks me when she says goodbye and I haven’t said anything to warm her heart. It stops me from responding to those text messages and writing to my loved ones.

This fear just wants me to be cuddled here, far away from everyone and everything, swallowed by insufficiency. I’m scared I won’t be able to love anyone my whole life. I’m scared to be this alone with the ones I love just because I can’t open up.

At this moment, I don’t have the courage to stand up for the things I love in my life. I have this idea for a handbook, but I can’t muster up the courage to fail at it and leave it be unfinished. I can’t muster up the courage to face the process which often reveals how imperfect I am.

I really hate how imperfect I am.

I choose to withdraw a little to heal my heart, and perhaps all the answers will come unwrapped and untied soon enough.
going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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