my twenty-fifth year: a reflection.

leaving my twenty-fifth year behind feels more like a blessing, since it had been a gateway to so many closures and in turn, many beginnings. yet, it seems that a good closure is needed, with so much unlearning to do in order to call in a new start, which is a blessing I am in deep need of.

it has been extremely eventful and beautifully melancholic in that way. sometimes I cannot believe I am here, married to a wonderful, loving man here in Poland, having left many of the toxic situations that were pinning me down. this circumstance is almost one I could have conjured up in a fleeting dream, and idled upon it for some time. it feels truly liberating to be here and now.

yet, with liberation comes responsibility, and that is the most formidable part. all my life, I’ve never been in the driver’s seat of my life. I was always a wave in the river of difficulties, flowing, creating as little fuss as I could. that now, is changing. I am not a wave but a current, too. I have some kind of vector and direction, and it is stunningly confusing to choose for myself after being so used to accepting that things won’t change no matter how arduously I try to. 

I am here to reflect some of the most major and life-turning events of my twenty-fifth year, for the sake of reflection. I haven’t been quite able to reflect as earnestly as I always have before, since I am not always in control of my brain these days. but here is an overview, accompanied by some life lessons.

my inner power: surrender.

this year, I discovered my inner power, which was somehow more constricted before. I mainly relied on my intuition and power of manifestation through visualising outcomes and clarifying my intentions. it has taken me far, but this year, I actually decided to shake my life around entirely. I learned that I am brave enough to advocate for my life and choose to break cycles instead of fearing the unknown. I decided to leave everything behind and everything I had built in search for a new beginning that does not have a shred of the old. I chose to let go of trauma and hurt and build a life that is filled with love and mountainous climbs. it was treacherously difficult to find myself almost barren, with no job, no perspective and no way to know for sure that it was the right choice. the experience of leaving my life in Egypt and heading to Poland was a leap into the unknown, and it taught me that my heart contains the quality of choosing love over fear.

listening to the signs.

another lesson I learned was perhaps listening to God’s both within and without my heart. the only reason I was able to leave my father, Egypt and leave a long-term relationship was the notion of trusting signs. I trusted people who came into my life just to help me out, I trusted the ease in the process, and most importantly, that voice that speaks deep inside my gut. now, the signs are actually a little bit murky and I do not hear them as I did before. especially that I am trying so hard to get my health back in order, I get those mixed signals to try many approaches. however, I’ve had instances where I had rejected certain tests based on my gut feeling. and when I was pressured to take them anyway, it was as if my body knew the results and I had always predicted them so accurately. those little miracles taught me to trust my heart, even if it takes me to different directions that seem quite bemusing. still, the lessons I am learning in the midst of all those failures are worthwhile. it was never easy to be humbled.

dying, and waiting for a rebirth.

these days, I honestly do not know who I am. a big part of me is dying with all the changes I had been through. I do not know where my dreams had gone, even my gratitude that seemed to always permeate my world with earnest joyous truths. I find it hard to recollect the pieces of what made me who I am, since I am in an entirely new place now. new people, new activities, new hobbies, and all this freedom. the point is, I will never be the old me and it is excruciating to try to find it anywhere. this death has led me to sleep away my days in tears, painkillers and sleeping pills, mustering the energy to put on a smile. the new activities and new waking times of each days are ultimately different and just wrong. I need a lot of time getting used to not being myself, and recreating myself in the process.

being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, still I am trying to keep going without any medication. I just need to get used to and accept the fact that I am not okay, and commit to the path of choosing hope and strife once more, surrendering to the timing the world sets for my soul to find its way back into stillness once more.

in the end, it is quite understandable that my soul has vanished in the midst of all these changes. it is waiting for stillness and inner peace to surge through me and light up the uncertainty with a divine wisdom that knows nothing at all, but inevitably trusts.

so there, I think I am done. I won’t write more, since those were the most staggering events of my twenty-fifth year. I have been lingering so much in a space of doing very little and even settling into not wanting to do anything just yet, at least nothing very definitive, just until the authenticity in me rises with rays of soulfulness I rely on to thrive.

I thank God, deeply, knowing all what has been was a precious gift. thank you.