a daylight dream

I thought I’d be writing this to you on a different day I had visualised for years. the day I’d be free. the day you wouldn’t be here anymore and I’d have the valiance to finally scream out all my unkempt anger. this day has come sooner than I’d expected, and in different circumstances. much better than I’d hoped them to be. and I have some things I want to say. I want to tell you that you’ll always be the greatest source of hurt and pain. I hadn’t seen anyone who had hurt me and who would ever hurt me more than you. it is diabolical to how much lengths you’ve crossed just to inflict me, my mother and my sister — and my whole family — with pain that we need so much time and effort to heal. it’s unreasonable how you never listened to me despite telling you countless times that I did not feel well. it’s terrible that you’d blocked all of my attempts to talk to you honestly.  I want to tell you that you did not give me a choice but to lie to you. anytime I’d say or you’d discover the trut

it’s been exactly one month since I arrived to Poland and for some reason, I feel it’s been ages away from who I was. some of my perpetual anxiety is fading away slowly. and there’s relaxation in the slowness of snowfall and how it glistens in the sunlight so valiantly. I’m here to reflect on what I’d been up to these days.    a lot of positive changes. a lot of closeness and intimacy and overarching love I cannot contain in that very little body of mine. working I’m on my way to developing a solid business plan for my educational entrepreneurial venture. I’m lately giving lessons that are focused on developing creative intelligence and expression in my learners. it’s been really exciting to see them so pumped up and excited for my online lessons, watching them do wonders. probably in one month or so, I might be able to curate a programme that is versatile and is beyond academic perspectives. I hope to develop a brand identity and name by then. right now, it’s only me with my passionat

alas, it is the last day of one of the most challenging years of my life: 2023– a pyramidal year. I’m posting this as the fireworks blare across the frosty skies of a town I love with all my heart, my heart breaking in infinite gratitude for this pyramid and the climb it mercifully granted. it’s been pyramidal, that’s true. it took me to the ground to face the truths of my foundations, making me battle so much of my memories to finally be honest with myself and clip off all that I don’t need to move forwards with. that meant clipping off and dusting away my own father from my life and choosing to stay with people who I know love me dearly. it’s been traumatic, and I’m still recovering from the aftermath, but I’m on my own now, and this is my pyramid. this is my life. my memory is a little bit blurry now after all that has happened. I don’t remember much but the incessant pain, but I’ll do my best to reflect on the happenings of each month.  vehemently, all I return to is utter disbelie

golden blues tint the inside of my heart as August rolls by: the trees are painted with a faded kind of green and auburn shades, the winds are cooler in the dark mornings, when the sunlight, in peace, emerges slowly, giving us time to finally realise all this colour and all this summery life is little by little passing by. I always feel a little melancholic at that time of the year, saying goodbye to many memories and embroidering my soul with new, fresh intentions. it's okay to feel both a little longing and holding on. I am grateful to say that my longing for the newness to come is energising and fulfilling.  august was all about accepting the ordinariness of life, or at least that was my intention. it was beyond beautiful to hold on to that, since the little moments shined with so much essence. mornings were filled with tears of thankfulness and daily routines were honoured with a delightful presence. I am quite proud of myself for creating more and more habits that light up my