disappearing.

what would happen if I disappeared for a few months, truly disappeared, and worked on internalising every beautiful, whimsical thought into my very being?

what if after those few months I erupted like an everlasting blossom— glowing in peaceful reverence for life, withstanding the cruelty of paradoxes? what if I became seen, my body showing signs of a soul who has fallen in love with the humble ordinary, frolicking about the greenery with a sparkling smile that has forgotten what it’s like to fade?

that is what I pray for. I pray to heal my body and heart that I truly forget what it was like to be in such pain. alas, it is earth, not heaven. still, I never cease to believe that heaven can be created on earth. I know that we as humans can transcend all futile suffering into an equanimous acceptance.

my body holds so much pressure, fear and difficult memories, even if I don’t remember much of it in my mind. my body hurts, and I feel like I’m carrying mountains of fears I once felt, crippling anxieties that accompanied me for days at a time. dated back to when I was still a child. the body does not forget. but it can heal.

if I only knew what to do to heal, I would disappear and do whatever it takes. yet, I keep skipping stones  from one road of action to the next. they keep skidding and slipping me to depths of despair I sometimes get so weakened by. I know that it all makes sense.

despite not knowing how— I might want to disappear. enclose those blessings in a precious box. protect this life of mine with everything I’ve got. and in a few months, come out with the softest peaceful light I’ve ever experienced.

and it never sounded sweeter than this. another daylight dream.